Bookshop Songtext
von Monty Python

Good morning
Good morning, sir, can I help you?
Eh, yes, do you have a copy of Thirty Days in the Samarkand
Desert with the Duchess of Kent by A. E. J. Elliott, OBE?
Eh, well, I don′t know the book, sir
Eh, never mind, never mind, how about 101 Ways to Start a Fight?
By?
An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment
Uh, no, well, we haven't got it in stock, sir
Ah, well, not to worry, not to worry
Can you help me with David Copperfield?
Ah, yes, Dickens
No
I beg your pardon?
No, Edmund Wells
I think you′ll find Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield, sir
No, no, Dickens wrote David Copperfield with two Ps
This is David Coppafeeld with one P by Edmund Wells
David Coppafeeld with one P?
Yes, I should have said


Yes, well, in that case, we don't have it
Funny, you've got a lot of books here
Yes, we do, but we don′t have David
Coppafeeld with one P by Edmund Wells
Are you quite sure?
Quite
Not worth just looking?
Definitely not
How about Great Expectations?
Yes, well, we have that
That′s G-R-A-T-E Expectations, also by Edmund Wells
Yes, well, in that case, we don't have it, we don′t have
Anything by Edmund Wells, actually, he's not very popular
Not Knickerless Nickleby? That′s K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S?
No
Christmas Karol with a K?
No
How about A Sale of Two Titties?
Definitely not
Sorry to trouble you
Not at all
Good morning
Good morning
Oh!
Yes?
I wonder if you might have a copy of Rarnaby Budge?
No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells
No, not Edmund Wells, Charles Dickens
Charles Dickens?
Yes
You mean Barnaby Rudge?
No, Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dickkens, that′s
Dickkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author
No, well, we don't have Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dickkens with two
Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time, I should
Add that we don't have Carnaby Fudge by Darles Chickens, or
Farnborough Sludge by Miles Pickens, or even Stickwick Stapers by
Falswickens with four Ms and a silent
Q, why don′t you try W. H. Smith′s?
I did, they sent me here
Did they?
I wonder
Oh, do go on, please
I wonder if you might have The Amazing Adventures of
Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet and Her Intrepid Spaniel
Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beccles, volume eight
No, we don't have that, funny, we′ve got a lot of
Books here, well, I mustn't keep you standing here
Well, do you have
We haven′t, no, we haven't, sorry, no, it′s one
O'clock now, we're closing for lunch, I′m sorry
Oh, I saw it over there, I saw it
What? What?
I saw it over there, Olsen′s Standard Book of British Birds
Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?
Yes
O-L-S-E-N?
Yes
B-I-R-D-S?
Yes
Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact
The expurgated version
Sorry, I didn′t quite catch that
The expurgated version
Expurgated version of Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?
The one without the gannet
The one without the gannet? They′ve all got the gannet, it's
A standard British bird, the gannet, it′s in all the books
Well, I don't like them, they wet their nests
Alright, I'll remove it, any other birds you don′t like?
I don′t like the robin
The robin? Right, the robin, there you are
Any others you don't like? Any others?
The nuthatch
Right, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nut—here we are, there
You are, no gannets, no robins, no nuthatches, there′s your book
I can't buy that, it′s torn, I wonder if you have
Go on, ask me anything, we've got lots
Of books here, you know, it′s a bookshop
How about Biggles Combs His Hair?
No, no, we don't have that one, funny
The Gospel According to Charlie Drake?
No, no, no, try me again
Oh, I know, Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?
No, no, no—what? What?
Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying
Ethel the A—? I've got it, I′ve seen it somewhere, somewhere
Somewhere, yes! Yes! Here we are, Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying, there′s your book, now, buy it
I don't have enough money
I′ll take a deposit
I don't have any money
I′ll take a cheque
I don't have a chequebook
I′ll take a blank one
I haven't got a bank account
Right, I'll buy it for you, there you are, there′s your change
There′s some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book
Wait, wait, wait!
What? What? What? What? What?
I can′t read
You can't read? Right, sit down, sit, sit, sit down, are
You sitting comfortably? Right, Ethel the Aardvark Was Hot