Half the Guilt Songtext
von Robin Williams

′Cause I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing, you see
I′m, I'm an Episcopal, that's Catholic-lite
It′s kind of like same religion, half the guilt, it′s frightening
You know, Catholics have confession, Episcopals have Thanksgiving
Your dad has a couple of gin and tonics
"I ain't never loved your mother, you know that, don′t you?"
"No, I didn't, Dad, and she′s right there, tell her again"

Because you have to realize
Episcopal is basically Church of England
Which was Henry VIII breaking away from the Catholic Church, going
"I'm the fucking pope now, ha, ha, ha"
He broke away, and then people broke away from that church
There were Calvinists, they found him to be too loose
And then there were the people who broke away from the Calvinists
They were the Puritans, our ancestors
People so uptight, the English kicked them out
How fucking anal do you have to be for the English to go, "Get the fuck out"?
"No, take your pimp shoes and go"


And they land here in America, going, "Hello
We bring you guilt, syphilis, and alcohol
I hope you don′t mind, here, Chief, try this
And once you've drunk it, just keep moving till your feathers float
There you go"

And the Indians go, "Oh, but we have a gift for you
For us, it's a sacred herb
But for you, it′ll be an addictive carcinogen, I hope you enjoy it"
"Tobacco is a lot of fun, and a good cash crop in the end"

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Seven, hey
Welcome to Custer′s, a casino that cares
This is my wife, sits with a full house
It is now time for the white man to get drunk
And we will get back the land you took from us
Thank you

And here's the thing, all those people, the Puritans
They stayed here, and then their groups broke away from them
And then you get the people that really become severe
And the people who knock on your door at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going
"Have you found Jesus?"
And you just wanna come to the door nude and go, "No, help me look for him, come on"
Yeah


You get people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell said
"This was brought upon us by our sinful ways"
I want to put them on a plane
Take them over to the Ayatollah, and have worldwide fundamentalist wrestling
One time only, a life after death match for all of our souls
Let′s get ready to humble

Because here's the drill
Fundamentalists take it to be the word
Not translatable, not metaphorical, the word
In the beginning, Genesis, "Let there be light"
′Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?'
′No, God just went click'
'So you′re saying we′re all descended from Adam and Eve, then we're all cousins′
'That′s right'
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun

Here′s the thing
There are miracles, though
There's miracles in the Bible
Like when Moses
And I'm not talking guns and Moses, no
I′m not talking, not Charlton Heston going, "Let the Jews go, or the pharaoh gets two in the head," no
Charlton Heston, a man who said, "Guns don′t kill people, Apes with guns kill people"
No, Chucky, no
Second Amendment, it started off, it was muzzle loaders
People going like this, and this still continues
That's okay

But I′m talking about the time Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my people go" and Pharaoh went, "In your dreams"
And Moses called to God, going, "God, I need some help"
And frogs fell from the sky
Maybe they fell from the sky, or maybe they were Jews with catapults going, "Now!"
And thank God it was the Egyptians and not the French, 'cause the French would go, "Lunch, okay
Why should we let you go? You′re great caterers
I can't let you go, you crazy people, eh?"

But frogs fell from the sky
At that point, I′d be going, "Get your shit and out"
Frogs, I said, "Wait a minute, that's what we should do, that's what we should drop on Afghanistan"
Not bombs, not food, fucking frogs
Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven′t seen
And if you want to get people out of caves, a shitload of New York rats
Oh, baby, you know
New York rats would be going, "Hey, come on, Spray
I eat pussy, literally, bring it on"

But that′s what they dropped then
And even then, Pharaoh was not impressed
He said, "Oh, please, David Copperfield, no"
And then boils, and then firstborn dies
"That's it, Hebrews, get out"
And everybody, "Banished, out of the way, everybody
Hello, let′s not wait for the bread to rise
Let's take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we′re leaving"
"Excuse me, why the skin off our penis?"
"We're traveling people, you don′t want sand in there, let's go
And this is so passe, the dickie thing, forget it, let's move"

We′re going through the desert, and then they get the Ten Commandments
Would be adjusted by certain presidents, that happens later
And they get to the Red Sea, they′re at the sea, the sea
And they go, "What now, Mr, Magic? What do we do now?
What? Are we gonna walk on the frag's-, with the frog′s backs?"
Frogs backs
Thank you for watching me this far
Obviously, I did inhale

So, "What do we do now, Mr, Big Shot?"
And he calls to God again, and the sea parts
And even the most doubting Jew is going, "You're good"
Let′s go, everybody, come on, everybody, let's move
Don′t eat the shellfish, I'll tell you why later, let's go"
"Where are we going?"
"To Jerusalem to start years of struggle, and later to Miami to fuck up an election, let′s go"
All aboard, send me

And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea closes
And he calls to his cat-like god, but his cat-like god can′t do shit
'Cause it′s afraid of water
Ay, yias, ay, yay, yay

And then there's another miracle
The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe, I′m pregnant"
And Joe went, "Holy Mother of God"
And she went, "You're right"
"Oh, Jesus Christ, what a great name, Joe
That is so much better than Schmoo, way to go
I love you, Joe"
"Wait, hold on a minute, Mary, hold on a minute
So I′m the stepfather of God's kid?"
"Yeah"
"So I can't discipline him? I can′t go, ′You've done wrong′
'Cause the kid′ll look at me and say, 'You′re not my real dad'
What are you doing, Mary? How did it happen?"
"Oh, it's immaculate, Joe"
"Oh, it better be, Mary, it better be immaculate"

I′m sorry, I′m transforming Joe into Ralph Kramden
But it seemed to be kind of appropriate, because
Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish
You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee
And then you get Mary and Joe
We are just a hyphenate away from Mary Jean and Joe Bob
We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God
Praise to him, Jim Bob
He who finds us stuff and gets me a job, Jim Bob