Ben Carson Songtext
von Lewis Black

The first inkling I had of this was when I heard Ben Carson speak for the first time
When you′re listening to someone and as you listen to them
You begin to think, "Did I take a drug?"
Something's wrong
But I believe we have something to learn from Ben Carson
Especially those of you who work in an office
There′s probably a douchebag you're working with
Your boss is no doubt a prick

And you want to say something to them
All you have to do in order to get across what it is you
Want to say is to speak as Ben Carson does
By this, I mean, you speak as softly as you possibly can
And yet still be heard
So that the person listening to you must use an
Inordinate amount of energy
Just to hear the words coming out of your mouth
And as you do that
Speak as slowly as you possibly can


As if each and every word was being formed in your brain
For the very first time
And be sure that your eyes are two thirds closed
So that you resemble a lizard sunning itself on the rock
And if you do that, you can say any batshit thing you
Want to anyone as Ben Carson did when he said
"It's amateurs who built the ark
But it was professionals who built the Titanic"
He said that in front of a lot of people

And no one came up to him and said
"Ben, you′ll have to come with us now"
Another thing you must do is as you are speaking
You be sure that your hands are moving in a way
That has nothing to do with what you are saying at all
Not a goddamn thing
Be sure that they′re moving in a way
Like, this is a nice way to do it
Because the person listening to you won't hear

What you′re saying
Because they'll be thinking
"Wow, what a great aquarium"
And when you want to make your final point
Do as Ben does
And as he did when he
Be sure that your hands move opposite to the meaning of the words
Such as we must raise the middle class by lowering their taxes