Toddler Mail Songtext
von Larry the Cable Guy

Hey, I wanna do something here before I get out of here. I get
A lot of letters from toddlers. I get a lot of letters from
Toddlers and toddlers send me stuff. I try to answer them the
Best I can, you know, a lot of people ain′t got a good moral person
No more, so I figured I could be their guidance along the way

"Dear Larry, my name's Eugene. I′m four years old. My
Friends call me Oogie. Why do farts stink? My mom calls
Them toots. Do you think farts are bad? Love, Oogie"

"Dear Oogie, the funny-named farting toddler. Farts stink so deaf
Folks can also have a big belly laugh. If you wanna do a funny joke
Go up to somebody somewhere and say 'Did you fart? I smell Vaseline
' Just don′t tell them I said to do that. If you tell anybody, I′ll
Kill Santa Claus. Women always call farts toots or pooch. Does your
Mom have big boobs? I'm just wondering. My dad was a preacher and he
Said that farts is just angels shooting off guns in your body, and
The stink was the smell of dead
Demons being blowed out your butthole"


"Dear Larry, my name is Ooseth. I′m from Kaboo and I'm five
Years old. My mom gets mad when me and my daddy pee on
The toilet seat. Does this happen to you in your country?"

"Dear Ooseth, the toddler with the head towel. I hear you. That

Happens in this country too. Tell your mom it ain′t our fault

When we fellers pee, we got a morning boner and it comes out in
Three different directions. Sometimes I pee on the seat, the mirror
The carpet, and the cat. You probably do the same thing except
On the cat, 'cause if I remember correctly, y′all eat them critters
Tell your mom we can't help how we pee. Women are lucky 'cause
They sit right on the hole and they gonna slam dunk it every time
They go. They pee right out of their hind end. There′s somewhere
Down there, I ain′t figured out that yet, but they pee out of
Something, maybe a tiny weiner or something. I'm gonna go check
It out. Does your mom have big boobs? Just wondering. Love, Larry"


"Dear Larry, my name′s Patrick. I'm three years old
Why they got Spanish Christmas cards? Was Jesus Spanish?"
"Dear English-speaking good American toddler Patrick, I got no idea
I got no idea, that pisses me off too. Jesus wasn′t no foreigner
There wasn't no foreigners in the Bible. When Jesus come to this
Country on the Mayflower and writ them books, it was Matthew, Mark
Luke, and John, there wasn′t no Guillermo in none of them book
Pages. However, he does have the same name as my neighbor's lawn
Guy, which is really troubling. Hold off on that, I'll read up on
It and call you later. Does your mom have big boobs? Just wondering"

"Dear Larry, my name is Darla. I′m twelve years old. My mama
Said at work that they told her that if any employee can come
Up with an idea to help the company save money, they would
Give that person a hundred dollars. Do you have any ideas?"
"Dear Darla, the not-quite-toddler. Does your mom have big boobs?
I just wondered. If the company wants an idea to help
Them save money and they′re offering a hundred bucks
Tell her to tell them to make the award fifty bucks. There
I just saved the company fifty dollars. Tell them to pay
Up and that they're all a bunch of retards. Love, Larry"

And then I′m gonna do this one more letter. This ain't from no
Toddler, this from an older lady here. This is just shows nobody
Can go out no more. Everybody′s offended. Most, a lot of people is
Just a bunch of babies. People need to grow up and this is one of
Them, and I'm gonna do this letter right here. Alright, this is
What′s got her all bent out of shape to where she cries every night

"Dear Larry, my name's Dolores. I'm fifty-four years old. I heard
You on the radio one day and I got very offended at you ′cause
You said the word ′titty.' That is very offensive. You need to
Say ′breasts.' It would be very appreciated if you would change
That in your program, as ′titty' very much so upsets me. Dolores"

And I read her back, I′m gonna send this out tomorrow, said "Dear
Ain't been laid in a while. Ain't you got nothing better to do in
Your boring, pathetic, worthless, uptight, rich, white, commie
Liberal, tofu, farting fairy life to do other than write me goofy
Letters? If you don′t like something that you hear on the radio
It′s got a thing called knobs. There's plenty of stations for plenty
Of people. I got an idea: if life is so upsetting to you, why don′t
You go run in front of a truck or something, alright? Loving Christ
Larry. P.S. Titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty"

Hey, thanks a lot you guys, I appreciate you very much
Thank you so much for coming out to see me tonight, thank you