Introduction & Opening Monologue Songtext
von Larry the Cable Guy

Hey everybody, this is Larry the Cable Guy
And thanks for buying my brand new Christmas CD
I love doing Christmas CDs ′cause I can do different things

You know what I've always loved? The old time Christmas specials
Boy they was fun
Andy Williams, Perry Como, Hustler on Ice
Well, maybe that last one wasn′t very Christmasy
But it would be good
I'd get box seats for that
I wonder what an old time radio Larry the Cable
Guy Christmas spectacular show would be like
Boy that'd be something to hear

I bet that would be
Uh, I bet it would

I bet it would go something like this

Hit it, man
I′m ready


Welcome to It′s Christmas Time in Larry Land
With your host Larry the Cable Guy
Get 'er done
Santa Claus, Rudolph, the Prophet Muhammad
The June Tailored Dancers, an elf, the Easter Bunny
Magic the Mime, a couple of retarded kids, a midget
Music by the Tobacco Company Choir
And Lonnie Graves farting Jingle Bells
Also, if we have time, Aerosmith, Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson
And here′s your host, Larry the Cable Guy

Thank you
Thanks everybody, thank you so much
Oh this is awesome, I appreciate it
Woohoo, boy we gonna have some fun
Welcome to my Christmas show
Please, enough, enough
Trust me, it's not gonna be that good
Criminy

You know I′ve been wanting to do this show
Since Rosie O'Donnell was a thin straight boy
So you can sense the excitement
Let me ask y′all a question
Did you ever take so long to open a condom wrapper that
The girl ripped the duct tape with her teeth and got away?


Alright, that has nothing to do with Christmas
I was just polling the crowd for a friend of mine
But don't you love Christmas?
I tell you I do
As a teenager, my favorite part of Christmas was
Having to train around the Christmas tree every year
But that girl got sent to reform school, so we didn't do it after that

On Christmas Eve I like to get my wife
As hot as I can and then have sex
I call it chestnuts roasting in an open fire

Some people give guys colognes as gifts
Cologne is just perfume
But they give it real macho names like Brute, Leather, Chaps, Stetson
Let me tell you something
If you see a brute wearing leather chaps
And a Stetson, you′re in a gay bar, son

Tell you what I hate doing, buying
Presents for relatives you don′t even like

I got an uncle I just know it stole my
Blender last year at the Christmas party
So this year I just sent him a Christmas
Card with a little note that said
"I was gonna buy you a blender, but I'm
Pretty sure you already have one, asshole"

Probably my favorite Christmas memory was when my 91 year old
Grandpa asked his girlfriend who was 78 years old to marry
Him in front of the whole family in front of the Christmas tree

Oh I remember it like it was yesterday
He got down on one knee and two testicles and popped the question
When she said yes, boy grandpa got so excited he pooped his pee bag
Who would have thought that we would have buried
Him three weeks later after they had sex and he lit
A match and his oxygen tank exploded, killing him

But let′s talk Christmas
Let's talk the food traditions

You ever wonder how some foods become Christmas mainstays?
For example, I always get those Pepperidge Farm gift baskets
(They suck)
What kind of crappy gift is that?
Since when did Pepperidge Farm′s gift baskets
Become such a tradition at the holiday season?

I guess them are the gifts you get when you wait 'til the last
Minute and the convenience store ran out of lighters and combination
Three-in-one finger clipper flashlight tire pressure gauge gifts

Pepperidge Farm′s gift baskets
Nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a
Two foot meat log and some spicy mustard

Here's another piece of crap gift, fruitcake
(They suck too)

I know, I know
Everybody makes fun of fruitcakes
Hey anybody wanna eat a doorstop?
Good God
I firmly believe there's only one fruitcake in the
World and people pass it around like a hot potato
I don′t get fruitcake
Fruit is supposed to be good for you
Cake is supposed to be bad for you
What kind of numbnut decided to put them two foods together?

Would anybody eat crack salad or poop soup?

Good Lord, me either
Plus people call idiots fruitcakes
No other food is used as an insult in this country
You don′t hear people going "You stupid lasagna"
"Look at that freaking hamburger"
"Look at that stupid son of a bratwurst"

Please, let's stamp out fruitcake in our lifetime

Here′s another food I don't like, peanut brittle
Boy that sucks
You ever eat peanut brittle?
It′s like biting into little sheets of glass
My cousin sneezed last year with a mouth full of peanut brittle and
Half the family ended up in the emergency room with shrapnel wounds

Here's a food that has me shaking like the cast of
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy waiting on test results
Mincemeat pie
(Worst food ever)
You ever eat one of them?

Here′s the traditional recipe for this piece of crap
Take everything out of the refrigerator
That looks like it's about to go bad
Put it in a pie shell and bake it at
350 Degrees until you stop laughing
And finally, I am sick and tired of all these libs and
Commies in this country wanting to ban manger scenes
And the word Christmas because it talks about Jesus
I mean good Lord, that's what the holiday is, Christmas

It′s about the birth of Christ
I mean for Pete′s sake, we Christians only have three holidays a year
Easter, Christmas and the Daytona 500

All you whiny libs can kiss my holiday ass
Let me tell you something

We celebrate Christmas in this country and we've
Been doing it ever since the Lord come here on the
Mayflower with the pilgrims and baptized the Indians

You know it, I know it and the American people know it
So hey, let′s have a good time at the Christmas show
Enjoy it everybody
We'll be right back after the commercial message