The Barber Songtext
von John Cooper Clarke

This geezer, he goes to the barbers, right. He sits down, the barber
Says to him, basically he says, what it, what it′s down to is a
Choice between three haircuts. He says, "I can do you a Tony Curtis
A Perry Como, or a Tom Jones. No, a Tony Monopoly, a Tony Monopoly."
He says, "Alright, I'll take the Tony Curtis."
Does the business, brings up the mirror, he says, "How′s that?"
He says, he says, "Tony Curtis doesn't have his hair cut like this."
He said, "What if he came here?"
Different customer, same barbers, right. He sits down, you know
The way the barbers, they talk to you when they're cutting your hair
Do they? This barber, he says to this geezer, he says, says to
This punter, he says, "Are you going anywhere for your holidays?"
He says, "Yeah, I′m going to Italy."
He says, "You don′t want to, what do you want to go to Italy for?"
He says, "Look," he says, "me and the wife went last year
We had a terrible time," he says, "save your money, stay
At home." He says, "Why do you want to go there anyway?"
He says, "The sunshine."
He says, "Well when me and the wife were
There last year, it pissed down every day."


He says, "Well, I like Italian food."
He says, "You can't get any, not in Italy," he
Says, "fish and chips are the norm in Italy."
He says, "Well, I′ve got a penchant for Romanesque architecture."
He says, "You, there's none to be found," he says, "not in Italy,"
He says, "they renovated the place in 1948, it′s a well-known fact
High-rise living is now de rigueur throughout the whole of Italy."
He says, "Well look," he says, "me and the wife, devout Catholics
We wanna see His Holiness at least once before we die."
He says, "You'll be lucky," he says, "look, me and the wife, we went
To see the Pope. We did the business, we went in, we stood in St
Peter′s Square," he says, "there you are," he says, "there's sixty-
Five million other people there, he comes out onto the balcony for
Five minutes a day, and you're lucky
If you can see the top of his hat."
He says, "Well look, I′ve got the tickets now, I′ve got to go."
So he goes off to Italy, has a, has a wonderful time, comes back
Goes for a haircut, sits down, same barbers, sits down in the chair
The barber says, "Aren't you the geezer that went to Italy?"
He says, "Yes."
He says, "How did you get on?"
He said, "I had a wonderful time, it wasn′t a bit like you said it
Would be," he says, "the weather was fine every day, the Italian
Food was delicious, the Romanesque architecture had to be seen to be
Believed, and when I went to see the Pope," he says, "well that just
Made my holiday, if not my whole life," he says, "I was stood there
It was just like you said it would be, I was stood in St Peter's
Square, there was sixty-five million other people, a quick show of
Hands ascertained that," he says, "the Pope comes out onto the
Balcony, I could just make out the top of his hat. He points his
Bejewelled staff my way, the crowd parted, he came
Walking down the stair, marble staircase, the rococo
Marble staircase, into the piazza, and he walked right
Up to me, and you know what His Holiness said to me?"
He says, "What?"
He said, "Who cut your fucking hair?"