I Don’t Have a Dick Songtext
von Captain Ahab

Uh, okay, uh, everybody
Please now welcome to the stage, uh, our next performer
Mr. Captain Ahab


I am alive
I am a man
(Really?)
I am the oldest man alive
I have been alive forever
I sit atop my mountain stronghold
And I look down at the other men at my feet
And I laugh, I laugh at you
You, the lesser men, you
Whose lives flicker by me like a cloud of gnats
You are born and you die
As I open and close my eyes to blink
I watched as my slaves built for me the pyramids
I spoke the words as they were carved onto the Rosetta Stone
I watched as Rome burned
As Pompeii was crushed
And as the Twin Towers fell
I have always been
And I will always be
You may see me, though you will not know me
You may see me at the club
You may see me on the street
You will be dazzled by my golden chains
By my spinning wheels
By my shining clothes
I have the biggest hat in the world
It′s got a million diamonds hanging from its brim
It's been dyed a color that no painter has ever been able to mix
And it could shade all the starving children of the world at the same time
I live in the biggest house in the world
It′s the size of a hundred cities
I can sleep in a different room each night
And my bedspread is woven from the hairs of queens

I drive the fastest car in the world
It's seats are made from human skin
It's lights are brighter than a billion suns
And its windshield is made out of diamonds and dreams
(Dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams...)

And oh yeah, I make the loudest beats in the world
When my kick drum booms, cities crumble and fall
So if you hear my music pumping
You′re gonna get fucked up

I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick


I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t--

I get the finest ass in the world
The kids line up just to smell my sweat
I can fuck a hundred people at once
′Cause I can make you come with my eyes
I have the biggest gun in the world
It can shoot a hole right through the sun
It's like a million atom bombs in my hand
When I can shoot you in the head just for fun

I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick

I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick, I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick, I don't have a dick

This song is not a metaphor
I do not mean this symbolically
I literally do not have a dick
This is my actual physical condition
I am missing the biological male reproductive organ
I do not have a vagina in its place
I am now, and have always been male
I did not once have a dick, and then lose it by my choice or otherwise
Nor will I ever have one
I am not feminized by this lack
Do not take this to mean
That I lack the phallus in the psychoanalytic sense
I am not powerless, I am not sterile
It is not from overcompensation from my dick-less-ness
That I have achieved authority and omnipotence
I am not great and powerful because I don′t have a dick
I am great and powerful, and I don't have a dick
This does not make me anti-dick
I am not suggesting the removal of dicks and I do not advocate castration
This is merely the explanation of a coincidental fact
For me, possessing or not possessing a dick affects absolutely nothing
I am simply revealing to you, the listener, through song, my factual biological state
So now that we understand each other, sing with me
The four tenets of our new civilization

Power! (no dick)
Honor! (no dick)
Ambition! (no dick)
Future! (no dick)
Power! (no dick)
Honor! (no dick)
Ambition! (no dick)
Future! (no dick)

I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick
I don′t have a dick, dick, dick
I don't have a dick, dick, dick
I don′t have a dick, dick, dick
I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don′t have a dick
I don't have a dick