Getting Recognized Songtext
von Bill Engvall

The other day we were, I was lying in bed
And she let me sleep in, and I found out why later
I woke up, and she was sitting on the edge of my bed
And she said, "Honey?" And I said, "Yes"
And she goes, "Do you have a nice nap?" I said, yeah

She goes, good, because you′ve got a big day today
And I said, "What's going on?" She goes, "I set up your procedure
You′re 50 years old now and you need your procedure"
And I go, "What procedure are you talking about?"

And she goes, "You need to be scoped"
And I go, "Well, that's just morning breath, I'll go brush my teeth"
And she goes, "Not that kind of scope
You need to get your colonoscopy and you need to call the doctor

′Cause it′s all set up and you need to call him
And find out what you've got to do
And I go, "Oh, God, all right"
So now before I get into this story


Let me tell you a little something about this business
One of the greatest things in show business
Is getting recognized for what you do
Whether I′m walking downtown here in Chicago
Or I'm in the lobby of this wonderful theater

And you come up and go, Mr. Engvall, we′ve seen your sitcom
We think it's really funny, we saw your stand-up last night
We laughed so hard, we thought we were going to cry
That is the greatest feeling on this planet
And it is a drug that is easy to get addicted to
And that′s why God knows that about me
And God gives me what I call little humblers to keep my head in check

Now basically there's three types of recognition
There's the I know who you look like, but why are you here look?
And that′s like if I′m walking through your town in Walmart
And you pass me and go like this

No, then there's the, oh my God, it′s you head whip, which is this one
And then there's the crazy fan on his tiptoes going
That′s him right there, right there, right there
And they're all wonderful

About three weeks ago, I was in Florida, and I was doing a show there
And I was sitting at this diner having lunch by myself reading the paper
And you know when you get that feeling that you′re being watched?
So I'm eating, and I look up, and about two booths away from me


There's a very pretty lady looking at me
And she smiled, and I smiled back, and it was a recognition look
It wasn′t like, I′m going to hit on you look
So I kept eating, and she kept looking

And I would look up, and she'd be looking, and I′d look down
So she finishes her meal
And she comes to my booth and sits down across the table from me
And didn't say, hi, hello, my name is

She just said
"This is what I′m gonna tell my husband
When he gets home from work today
I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy"

Really, God? Really?
Now, all that being said
There are times in your life you′d rather not be recognized
Like getting in a fight with a ten-year-old boy in a school bus

The week of my procedure
I called the doctor like my wife told me to
And they said, "Here's what you need to do
We need you to go to the drugstore
And pick up a list of items that will aid us in your procedure
And this list of items included two jugs of what we shall call
For lack of a better term, poopin' juice"

And basically what this stuff does is
It cleans you out of everything you′ve eaten since you were five
And then the nurse said, "Now, if those don′t work
We're going to need you to purchase an enema bottle"

Now, ladies and gentlemen
I was born with a defect and you can′t see it
But I don't possess that filter
That sits between your ear and your mouth
And what it does is when your ear hears something
Your mouth′s not supposed to say it, it stops it

I don't have one on either side
So when this little nurse said
We′re going to need you to purchase an enema bottle
I screamed into the phone
Who in the hell is going to give me an enema?

And she said, "What? And I said, I'm not going to give myself one
I know for damn sure my wife won't do it
Hell, she won′t even pick my nose
And I don′t got a friend close enough I'd even think about asking"
And she goes, "Well, you better hope the juice works"

So I go to the drugstore, I pick up my list of items
I walk up to the counter, I set them down at the cash register
A little girl working at the cash register looks around
She looks at me and she goes, "Oh my God, you′re Bill Engvall"

And then she looked down
And I said, "See?"
Even I get sent to the store to buy stuff for other people
Yeah, not smart, but quick

So the day before my procedure
I start this little process of drinking this nasty liquid
And let me just say this, it works, oh, my God
You would not believe what came out of me

I found a Louisiana license plate
A Super Bowl I'd lost when I was seven
One of those little plastic monkeys
That hangs on the side of a Mai Tai glass

I could not believe how many times you go to the bathroom
I mean for 24 hours you don′t lose sight of that bathroom door
Because the way this stuff works is not like this
You don't stand around going
Hmm, I think I have to go to the bathroom
It′s more like oh my God

At one point my son started walking towards the bathroom door
And I am screaming not today
Tree in the yard for you, my man