Alice's Restaurant (The Massacree Revisited) Songtext
von Arlo Guthrie

You might have heard this before
I know I have
Because this song is called Alice′s Restaurant
It's about Alice and the restaurant
But Alice′s Restaurant was never the name of a restaurant
That was always just the name of this song
And I guess that's probably why I still call this song Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice′s Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice′s Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice′s Restaurant

I wasn't gonna sing this song tonight or this decade
But I realized sometime earlier this year
That it had been 26 years since this come out as a movie
And it was two years before that, that it came out as a record
And it was two years ago on the record, which means it was like 30 Thanksgivings ago


30 years ago on Thanksgiving
When my friend and I decided to go up and visit Alice at the restaurant
But Alice didn′t used to live in a restaurant
She used to live in the church nearby the restaurant, in the bell tower
With her husband Ray and Facho the dog

Living in the bell tower like that, they used to have a lot of room downstairs
Where the pews used to be
Seeing as how they took out all the pews and havin' all that room
They decided they didn′t have to take out their garbage for a long time

We got up there and found the place was filled with garbage
And we decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the town dump
So we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW Microbus
Took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the town dump

We got there and there was a sign, a chain across the road
And the sign said closed on Thanksgiving
We had never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before
And so with tears in our eyes, we drove off into the sunset
Looking for another place to put the garbage

We didn't find one ′til we come to a side road
And off of the side of the side road, there was a 15 foot cliff
At the bottom of the cliff, there was another pile of garbage
We decided one big pile is better than two little ones
Rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down, that′s what we did


Drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat
Went to sleep, didn′t get up until the next morning
When we got a phone call from Officer Obie
He said, "Kid we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage
Just wanted to know if you had any information about it"
And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope under that garbage"

It was after speaking to Obie for about 45 minutes on the telephone
That we finally arrived at the truth of the matter
And Obie said we had to go down and pick up the garbage
And we also had to go down and talk to him at the police officer station

Now friends
There was only one of two things Obie could have done at the police officer station
The first thing was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone
Which wasn't very likely, we didn′t expect it
The other possibility was he could've balled us out
And told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again
Which is what we expected

But when we got to the police station, there was a third possibility that we hadn′t counted on
We was both immediately arrested, handcuffed!
And I said, "Obie I don't think I can pick up the garbage with handcuffs on"
He said, "Shut up kid, get in the back of the patrol car"
And we sat in the back of the patrol car, drove to the quote scene of the crime unquote
Friends, I want to tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts where this was happenin'
They got three stop signs, two police officers and one police car

But when we got to the scene of the crime, there was five police officers and three police cars
Being the biggest crime of the last 50 years
And everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it
And theywas usin′ up all kinds of cop equipment they had hangin′ around the police officer station

They was taking plastered tire trap footprints, dog smelling prints
They took 27 eight by ten colored glossy pictures with circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one
Explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us
They took pictures of the approach, the getaway
The Northwest corner and the Southwest corner
And that's not to mention the aerial photography

And it was after the ordeal, we went back to the jail
Obie said he was going to put us in a cell
He said, "Kid, I′m going to put you in a cell, give me your wallet and your belt"
And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my wallet
So I don't have any money to spend in a cell, but what do you want my belt for?"
And he said, "Kid, we don′t want any hangings"
And I said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends, Obie was
Because he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown
Took out the toilet paper so I couldn′t bend the bars
Rolled the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll, have an escape and get away
Obie was making sure all right
And it was about four or five hours later that Alice- remember Alice?
This is still the song about Alice and-
Anyway, Alice come by and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side
She bailed us out of jail
We went back to the church, had another Thanksgivin' dinner that couldn't be beat
Went to sleep and didn′t get up until the next morning
When we all had to go to court, we walked in, sat down
Obie come in with the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one
Explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, and he sat down

A man come in, he said, "All rise"
And we stood up, and Obie stood up with the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures
And the judge walked in with a C&I dog, sat down, we sat down
Obie looked at the C&I dog, and then at the 27 eight by ten coloreded glossy pictures
Looked at the C&I dog, and Obie began to cry
Because Obie come to the realization that this was a typical case of American blind justice
And there was no way the judge was going to look at the 27 eight by-
Well, it didn′t matter, because we was fined $25 each
And we had to pick up the garbage, in the snow

That's not really what I come to talk about so much, I just thought I′d mention it
'Cause I know there′s probably some people sitting here tonight
Thinking this is some kind of nostalgic ballad or something and
I hope so, but you never know
They still got that building down in New York City on Whitehall Street
And others like it all around America
And that's where you used to have to go get
Injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, and selected
And I remember I had to go in there one morning a long time ago for a physical examination
So I got good and drunk the night before ′cause I wanted to feel my best when I went in that morning
I mean, I wanted to feel, I wanted to look- I wanted to feel like the all-American kid
And when I went in that morning, I was hung down, I was brung down, I was hung up
I was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-looking things, I walked in, I sat down
Give me a piece of paper
Said, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604"

I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill, I mean I want to kill
I want to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth
Eat dead bird bodies, I mean kill, kill, kill, kill"
And I started jumping up and down yelling kill, kill and he started jumping up and down with me
And we was both jumping up and down yelling, kill, kill, kill, kill
Til the sergeant come over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy"
I didn't feel real good about it
I proceeded on down the hall getting more injections, inspections
And all kinds of stuff that they was doing to me at the thing there
I was there for two, three, four, five hours
I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things
They was inspecting, injecting every single part of me and they was leaving no parts untouched
But I proceeded through until I finally come to see the very last man, I walked up
I said, what do you want to see me about?

He said, "Kid, we only have one more question, have you ever been arrested?"
And I told him the story of the Alice′s Restaurant massacre with five-part harmony
Full orchestration, all kinds of phenomenon, he stopped me right there
He said, "Kid, did you go to court?"
And I told him the story of the 27 eight by ten colored glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, he stopped me again
He said, "Kid, I want you to go over, sit down on that bench that says group W"
"Now, kid!"

I went over there
Group W
Group W is where they used to put you if you may not have been moral enough to join the Army
After committing your special crime
There was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-looking people on the bench
There was mother rapers, father stabbers, father rapers
I mean there was father rapers sitting there on the bench next to me
I mean, it was mean, nasty, ugly, horrible, crime-fighting guys
And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one- the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me
And he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, what′d you get?"
I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $25 and pick up the garbage"
He said, "Kid, what was you arrested for?"
I said, "Littering"
And they all moved away from me on the bench there
Until I said, and creating a nuisance
And then they all come back and shook my hand
And we had a great time on the bench talking about crime of the stabbing, father raping
We was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of stuff, having a good time
Until the sergeant come over, had some paper in his hand
He held it up, he went like this, he said, "Kids, let′s read this paper
It's got 37 words for them sentence. Wasn′t no time to crime detail, crime and gutting thing I said, pretend to about the crime and the rest of the office name kind of thing I had to say"
He talked for 45 minutes, but nobody understood a word he said
But we had fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench
And I wrote down the massacre like I was supposed to
And I put down my pencil, turned over the piece of paper and there on the other side of that piece of paper
In the middle of the other side, underlined and capitalized
Away from everything else on the other side, read the following words
"Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"

I went over to the sergeant, I said
"Sergeant, you got a lot of damn gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself
I mean, I′m sitting here on the group W bench
I mean, I'm sitting here on the group W bench
Because you want to know if I'm moral enough to join the army
Burn women, kids, houses, children, villages, after being a litter bug"
You said, "Kid, we don′t like your kind. We′re going to send your fingerprints off to Washington"
And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in a little folder is a study in black and white of my fingerprints
They're still there, the only reason I′m singing you this song tonight is
Because you may know somebody in a similar situation sometime
Even some of you could be in a situation like that
Sometime sooner than you're sitting here thinking about right now
If you ever find yourself in a situation like that and you don′t know what to do
There may be only one thing that... Well there may not actually be a hell of a lot you can do at all
But there's something you can try
And that′s to be wherever it is you're supposed to be
You just go down there, you sit there, you ask to see the Shrink
You go up there, you say like, oh, Shrink! Excuse me, man, but uh
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant and Walk out
Imagine one person, I mean even today, walking and singing some Alice′s restaurant, walking out
They′re gonna say, hey, that guy's 30 years too late, Get that guy out of here
Imagine two of them walking in hand in hand, singing in harmony
I don′t care what the president says, unfortunately to a lot of people that's still a problem
Imagine three of them they might think it′s some kind of organization or something
And so you can imagine like 50 people
Maybe 50 people in a day walking in singing some Alice's restaurant, walking out
Friends, they might think it′s a movement
And most of them would be too young to know what a movement was
That's what it was, it was the Alice's restaurant anti-massacre movement
That′s what it was and that′s what it is and I guess that's what it′s always gonna be
And all you've got to do to join is to sing it with me as it comes around again on the guitar
With feeling

You can get anything you want at Alice′s restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant
Walk right in, it′s around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant

No, no, You can't start singing loud just at the end if I quit singing
You would have thought after all this time you′d have learned by now
If you want to end war and stuff, you′ve got to learn to sing loud all the time so people can hear you
Now I know this is a long song, believe me, I know how long it is
Even on the record when it come out it was pretty long, what, 18 minutes like I said or something?
I'm not sitting here trying to make it any longer, but I can feel it
I know there′s people sitting in this very room tonight that don't believe that songs can change the world
Or that songs can change the destiny of nations
I don′t blame you, I wouldn't have thought so myself
Of course I know something that some of you may not know
But I was reminded of it during the last election

See, I remembered back when Jimmy Carter was elected president ′cause I got an invitation to his inauguration
And I knew I had to go because I knew it would be the only one I ever got, been right so far
But I went down to Washington D.C, I'm not making this up now, this is real
I went down to Washington and it's just like you see on TV, people partying and stuff
Everything was fine until a long, torrid evening
Somebody come around, tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around
And it was Chip Carter, the President′s son
I said, "Hi Chip." I recognized him, he was about my age
He said, "Arlo, I′ve been looking everywhere for you"
I said, "Chip, how come?"
He said, "Arlo, I've got something very important to tell you"
I said, "Chip, what is it?"
He said, "Arlo, we were moving our stuff into the White House
And in the Nixon record library, we found a copy of your record, Alice′s Restaurant"

I looked at Chip Carter, I looked deep into the man's soul. I said, "Chip, was it open?"
And in slow motion he nodded, yes, it had been opened
And I want you folks sitting here tonight to know that I did not think about that for a long time
Until just recently when we was all thinking about Richard Nixon when he passed away
I see some young people here that may not know see
But Richard Nixon was the president of the United States and he used to like to tape stuff
I mean, if you can imagine a world before VCRs and cassette decks was everywhere
You can imagine a man who was truly ahead of his time
He taped everything that went on in the White House. White House
And everything was fine until one day they started playing back the tapes
People found out what was going on in there
But it wasn′t anything that was on any tape that got the man in trouble
So much as it was what he had erased from the tapes
And there was one particular famous gap in one of those tapes that I was thinking about one night when I said to myself
Arlo, how many things in the world are 18 minutes and 20 seconds long?
Well, how many things in the world are exactly 18 minutes and 20 seconds long?
Probably just a coincidence, but it's good enough for me

So when the song comes around again on the guitar remember that songs can change the destiny of nations
Even if it′s only by coincidence
You just have to know the words, have the feeling and wait for it to come around again on the guitar

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant, except an Alice
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in, it′s around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice′s Restaurant
Da-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra
At Alice's Restaurant