The Alice's Restaurant Multi-Colored Rainbow Roach Affair Songtext
von Arlo Guthrie

This song is called "Alice′s Restaurant"
It's about Alice and her restaurant
But "Alice′s Restaurant" is not the name of the restaurant
It's just the name of the song and that's why I called the song "Alice′s Restaurant"

Now, y′all know the chorus, so I don't have to sing it right now
But the version of "Alice′s restaurant," that I'm going to sing right now is called
"The Alice′s Restaurant Multi-Colored Rainbow Roach Affair"
Otherwise known as "The Spy-Tangler"
We'll just wait for it to come around

It all started one day, when a Russian scientist by the name of Max
Was havin′ a cup of coffee and a hamburger at Alice's restaurant
Now, Max was just sittin' there, eatin′ on his hamburger and havin′ a wonderful time
Yes, friends, and drinkin' on his cup of coffee and everything was just wonderful
Until Max looked up on the wall in front of him and there
There, on the wall, there!
Max spotted a multi-colored rainbow roach so beautiful


Max immediately put it into his emergency plastic baggy
Brought it back to New York City
Took the first boat to Moscow, where five of Russia′s leading scientists
Studied the multi-colored rainbow roach for possible use in atomic warfare

Meanwhile, back at Alice's restaurant, Sam, a Chinese scientist
Was having a Coca-Cola and a Frankfurter at Alice′s restaurant
He was just sitting out there, chompin' on his Frankfurter, lookin′ around
He was off-duty, nothin' was happenin'
He looked upon the wall and there, there again!
There! On the wall! Was another perfect example of the multi-colored rainbow roach!
Yes, friends, Sam immediately put it into his emergency plastic baggy
Was brought back to New York City, took the first boat to Red China
Where five of Red China′s leading scientists
Studied the multi-colored rainbow roach for possible use in atomic warfare


Meanwhile, back at the, back at the ranch
Lyndon, hearing of the disappearing multi-colored rainbow roaches
From Alice′s restaurant, is getting very uptight
He immediately sent up a squad of men to investigate
The scene of the disappearing multi-colored rainbow roaches
They walked in and sat down on the stools and turned around a few times on
See how fast they could go around
They looked on the wall, but there was nothing there
They looked on the doors, on the ceiling, on the floor and on the wall
All kinds of walls, floors, ceilings, they didn't see nothin′

But, friends, they sat down, disgusted, started drinkin' their cups of coffee
But there, floating on the top of the coffee
Was not one, but two multi-colored rainbow roaches
Sittin′ there, in the coffee, just floatin' around!
They were immediately put into a compartmentalized plastic baggy
And brought back to the White House
Where they were put under an intense investigation for possible use in defense

Meanwhile, back at Alice′s restaurant, yes, friends, Max was back
The Russian scientist was studyin' Alice's restaurant
Tryna find more multi-colored rainbow roaches to be brought into the Communist country
Max looked around on the walls, the ceilings
He looked in the first corner, in the second corner, in the third corner, but there, by the door
There, by the door! In full glory and rainbow colors, was not one, not two or three
But, but four multi-colored rainbow roaches! And it was a great day for Russia!
Yes, friends, the multi-colored rainbow roaches were brought back and it was a fantastic day!

There was now one multi-colored rainbow roach for each of the five studying scientists
It was a great day, but meanwhile, back at Alice′s restaurant, Sam was snoopin′ around
Yes, friends, he was sittin' down, havin′ another Coca-Cola
And there, in the same corner that Max found the four multi-colored rainbow roaches
There was another four multi-colored rainbow roaches, just sittin' there, waitin′ for Sam!
And Sam picked them up immediately and brought them back
And brought them back to Red China, where there was now one roach
For each of the five studying scientists in Red China
It was a terrible day for the United States

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lyndon was disgustin', bustin′, couldn't be trustin'
Sittin′ around, yes, friends, there was a total of ten multi-colored rainbow roaches
In foreign hands, foreign hands! Foreign hands!
Another investigating king was sent up to the scene of the Alice′s restaurant massacree
Yes, they walked in, they sat down, they looked in all the corners
All the, all the walls, doors, entrances, tables and chairs, they walked around
They had even ordered cups of coffee and looked in the coffee, but there was nothin'
I′m sayin' that there was nothin′! In Alice's restaurant
There was no more multi-colored rainbow roaches to be seen
It was a terrible day for the American people

They sat down, disgusted
They put their feet upon the big iron bar at the bottom of the counter
But the big iron bar didn′t feel like the big iron bar! It was soft! They looked down
And there, there! There was not one multi-colored rainbow roach, or two, or three, or five
Or any n- fascimentesimal amount
There was the most huge, there was the most giant ganthus!
There was the most fantastic multi-colored rainbow roach
Ever envisioned upon by the human race!
There was a four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach!
It was a great day for the American people!

Yes, friends, there was the biggest, most gigantus multi-colored rainbow roach
Ever to be seen by the- anybody in the world! Ever to be inve-
It was a four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach
A four-by-five foot roach, and you know what kinda joy that musta been
But it was just a roach, sittin' there on the floor!
A Hertz-rented truck was immediately called from around the corner
And a four-by-five foot plastic baggy was immediately brought into the scene
And the baggy was put in the roach and the roach was put into plastic baggy
And the baggy was put into back of the Hertz-rented truck and
It was immediately brought to the White House, where it was under intense investigation

All the generals were called around, all the latent people in the United States
Yes, friends, they were called at the scene of the multi-colored rainbow roach
And they sat around, they wonderin' what they′re gonna do with it
And all kinds of things that they were gonna do
And it was McNamara, who accidentally spilled his coffee
He spilled his coffee onto the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach
And it was Humphrey, who immediately wiped it up with his napkin
And without thinking, wiped his lips with the napkin that he had just wiped the roach with
And it tasted good

So he took off his fingerpick
And he started getting licks off the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach!
And then they all started doin′ it, except for Lyndon
He was chompin' on it

But meanwhile, back in China, experiments were being made
Yes, friends, experiments were being made about how to make, how to produce a f-
How to produce a multi-colored rainbow roach 50 megaton bomb
The problem was, how to get the roach into the bomb
They couldn′t just sit it on there, 'cause it′d fall off!
And they couldn't nail it to the bomb, ′cause the bomb would explode
And they couldn't put it in the bomb, 'cause the bomb was already made
And they couldn′t take it apart without it explodin′!
And they couldn't glue it, ′cause the glue would melt

There was nothin' to do but Scotch-tape it
To the nose of the missile, where the bomb was kept
Yes, friends, there was one thought of a multi-colored rainbow roach
Which was Scotch-taped to a 50 megaton bomb, and the bomb was sent into orbit
And it went around, it went up into the air!
And it went fantastic speeds, it was flying around
Everything was happening with fantastic array and the bomb exploded!
In the air and all the fragments came fallin′ around!

And it fragmentated, and all the fragments were going toward the Earth
At such a fantastic speed, that the fragments turned into a gaseous form!
A big, blue, kinda loud!
And, friends, within 25 miles where the bomb exploded
Within a 25-mile radius, people were stoned
Standin' there, sit- lyin′ there, stoned! They couldn't move
It was a great success
For the bombers and the guys, who got bombed, it was wonderful for everybody!

Meanwhile, back in Russia, another experiment was being made
Yes, friends, as a matter of fact, it was the same experiment
Another multi-colored rainbow roach was Scotch-taped to the nose of a huge missile
Which went up to the air, exploded, and the fragmentations came down
In such a fantastic speed that they came into a gaseous form
The gaseous blue cloud hovered over 25 miles of the air that it exploded in
Within that 25 mile radius, people were stoned

Meanwhile, back at the White House
Things were goin' bad
They were all sittin′ around the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach
Still lickin′ and chompin' on it and, friends, some kinda defense plan had to be made
And it was Lyndon, who came up with the grooviest defense plan you ever thought about
Yes, two thousand and two hundred and two Betsy Rosses
Were called to the White House lawn
And there, they made the biggest blanket that you ever saw

They made a blanket not as big as the White House
Not as big as Washington DC or the East Coast or the West Coast
Or the Midwest or any West Coast East-Mid-West
They made a blanket so big, that it covered the whole North American continent!
Includin′ Alaska and Hawaii, and 12 miles around each border
Yes, friends, it was a huge blanket!
And on one side of the blanket was a picture of the United States
And on one side of the other blanket was a picture of the sky

And the blanket was rolled across the Heavens
And held up there by the winds and jet air-forced planes
And nobody knew that it was there
'Cause lookin′ up from under it, it looked like the sky
And lookin' down from over it just looked like the United States
It was the greatest facade ever produced by the United States

And, friends, it was that terrible day
Yes, one week ago! And many of you may not know it
It was one week ago that somebody pushed the button
Nobody knows who! Or what button
But they know somebody pushed it
Because from miles around came multi-colored rainbow roach bombs
Yes, friends, the biggest ever fantasized by the Earth!
They would come onto earth, Philadelphia Boston, New York
Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, Detroit and all kinds of areas assorted by cities
They were comin′ around everywhere

And just about as they got over their cities
And were about to explode and a fragmentation of fragments went out!
And before the fragments could turn into a gaseous form, they got caught in the blanket
And all the blanket was rolled up across the country!
And the fragments was dumped out on the White House on
Where they were put into little bottles, marked according to what kinda fragments it was!
Russian Red, Chinese Yellow, Portuguese Polka Dot, and all kinds of fragments
And I wanna tell you, that three days ago
And I know, that you're sittin' in audience right now, probably wonderin′ what′s happenin'
I′m gonna tell you what's happenin′

Yeah, friends, three days ago all the fragments were put into a big satellite
And that satellite, right now, is hurdlin' itself around the entire world
With all the fragments, except the four-by-f-
Oh, except the remains of a four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach
Nobody knows, what happened to the other two
But information has it, that the Birds were at it
Yeah, they was Luci Bird, Lynda Bird and all birds, sittin′ around there, sniffin' the air
But nobody's quite sure

But sufficed to say, that the remains of all the multi-colored rainbow roaches
Are now in the satellite, hurdlin′ itself around the United Sates
And the remains of the four-by-five foot multi-colored rainbow roach is now
Scotch-taped to an American missile, which, in the event of a Third World War
Will hurl itself toward the satellite, and both the four-by-five foot
Multi-colored rainbow roaches and all the fragments and all the other roaches
Will come down on the Earth, and be carried by the foreign winds
And stone everybody in the whole world!

And the only reason I′m singin' here this song tonight
Is ′cause, to tell you, when you get the feelin' that the Third World War is about-
I mean, within a few hours
I mean, when you kinda got the feelin′ this song is gonna happen'
Get out into the country
Cause when the fragments come down and turn into a gaseous form
You wanna be out there, able to
Breathe the air, free and equal

′Cause when you're sniffin' in the city, then all your mums, uncles, brothers, sisters
Cousins, dogs, cats, kids and neighbors will be out there, sniffin′ the same air
And you may not get enough
So wind to the country, under the green trees and the green grass
And all kinds of wonderful things in nature
And get out there and breathe the air, like you′re supposed to do!
And I know most of you are very impatient for the Third World War
I even realize that most of you wanna get this song over with, so you can go back home
Have your own Third World War

But before you go, before you leave tonight, start fightin'
I wanna give you a little verse to sing, while you′re standin' there
Breathin′ the air, havin' a wonderful time during the Third World War
In case you have anythin′ better to do
But just gotta wait till it comes around
Here it is

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant
Walk right in, it′s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track and
You can get anything you want at Alice′s restaurant

You didn't sound like you was out there, breathin′ the air
Mean, I don't wanna sit here for 30 minutes every night and just have you stand there
Singin′ a chorus without any kinda feelin'
Imagine a giraffe there, during the Third World War
And the multi-colored rainbow roach bombs explodin′ all around here
And you're out there, havin' a wonderful time
With all your friends, dog, cats, kids, neighbors, mothers and uncles
Brothers, sisters, cousins and neighbors
Out in the street of your yard if you can′t get out the city

And if you can, imagine yourself in the country of flowers
Sittin′ there
Yeah, havin' a wonderful time
And I realize there′s d- undoubtedly some feds in the audience tonight
But I know damn well you'll be out there too!
Everybody′s gonna be out there, sniffin' the air
So, when it comes around again, sing it like you′re out there, breathin' air
None of this city smog stuff, we'll just wait till it comes around again, and this time
Like you′re out there, havin′ a wonderful time in nature's wonderland

I′m a pacifist myself
Don't mind getting into a war every once in a while, though
And so I′m gonna sing it with feelin', when it comes around again
And you should do the same, ′cause here it is!

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant
Excepting Alice!
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant
Walk right in, it′s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
And you can get anything you want at Alice′s restaurant

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dam, at Alice's restaurant!
Good night!