The Miracle of Birth Songtext
von Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast feat. Donna Lynne Champlin

Of all the mystery and wonder and beauty on this earth
Nothing can compare to the miracle of birth

Well your cervix has been closed and plugged with mucus
But soon that viscous plug will be discharged
(It′s called "bloody show")
And explosive diarrhea means that labor's drawing nearer
And those sharp painful contractions cause your cervix to enlarge
(Beautiful!)

Then you′ll race your ass over to the hospital
Where they'll strap you in for the hell ride of your life
(It's what your body′s made for)
You′ll soon be in so much pain that you'll probably exclaim
"Please just kill me now, doctor, doula, or midwife!"


Tear, tear, tear goes your vagina
Never will it be its cute little self again
But the good news is if you have a few more kids
The rest will basically plop right out

After hours and hours of utter torture
You may poop yourself and-or throw up as you bear down
(′Cause you're a goddess)
And though you′ve never been this tired, wait, here comes the ring of fire
That's your vagina bursting into flames as the head starts to crown

Burn, burn, burn goes your vagina
And you′ll curse and scream until you hear a cry
(It's your baby!)
And oops! There it went-a, that was the placenta
Which you must expel, or you will surely die

When it's all over, they place the baby on your breast
You may be happy for a moment, but then for months you′ll be depressed
′Cause you've wrecked your life and body, you′ll think "Was it really worth?"
All that for the miracle of birth

(But of course it was!)