Rant Songtext
von Bo Burnham

I went to a Catholic school for four years
And I also went to garage band for 20 minutes
And this is the product of that
Hit it

All the seats at the Sunday masses
Filled with the mass′s massive asses
Classes pass as fast as molasses
Ceremonial reading glasses

Read a little bit of Leviticus
All the kids are a little too little for this
All the parents nod in agreement
"I think I can vaguely see what he meant"

It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story
The father, reads a little bit farther
Assuring the assured that they need not bother


"When God, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery"

And then as God goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves
("Uh, he, ju-- the Bible sorta like, uh, it′s like typos didn't-")

In the back, I sit and I nod to the beats that are bumpin' from my iPod
My god, they′re starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say
"Dear God, dear Lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway Yahweh"

The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater
I′d like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, I come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple
Wars and drugs and homeless people

Sadness, where there should be joy
Hate, and rape, and Soulja Boy
A world in darkness needs your light, so I′m sure your schedule's pretty tight
But my dog just had surgery if you could fix that first

Jesus!
Debra Messing′s fingers in a holy place
"Hail Mary full of Grace"


Obama, could you pass some hope to the Pope?
I know a couple dude's who wanna elope
See the church said, "nope" so the bros can′t cope
The bros can grope but the bros can't cope

They've been in love and they′ve been addicted
Who said they shouldn′t? Benedict did
'Cause in the holy land of the lord he′s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted
'Cause you can be a Benedict if you′ve been a dick under Benedict but
You can't have Benedicts because there′s only one pope and only one dick

What? Yeah, a dick on a Pope is
Just like a soap on a rope 'cause it's
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, Christ has risen!

Hallelujah, now it′s raining men
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10
Winos at the Eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation

Jesus wasn′t the messiah, get back I'm a heretic and I′m on fire
It was Oedipus, those holy nights
The holy motherfucking Christ

I'm a blasphemah post-Katrina cruising the marina, on a crusade to cruise AIDS
And blast FEMA
You′re too late, we're fucked, we don′t need ya

Amen, In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose
Hey Macarena!