Tissue Test Songtext
von Trixie Mattel

But listen, if I wasn′t gonna do drag anymore
I think I would love to be
I think I could be like the next Queer Eye guy
Do you guys fuck with Queer Eye?
It is so good that I think I could be there to ground them
Because they get a little far-fetched sometimes, you know?

They go to someone's house and they′re like
"Listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents died
So we had their bodies exhumed
Move that bus, move that bus
Listen, Dave, father of two
I know you said you wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts
Because you're kinda hiding, not really making a fashion statement
So we thought we′d update your wardrobe a little bit
This is a Bob Mackie, backless, beaded
Why don′t you slip that on?"


I just think they're insensitive sometimes
It′s like, "Listen, I know your family's falling apart
Because your parents burned to death in a house fire
And at night you can hear them screaming from the burning
So we′re gonna burn your mouth with some jalapeño margaritas
Can you believe?
Who gave us permission?"

I'll probably stay in TV
I mean, when I first moved here
I had to get so much work done on my teeth
It′s not the joke, thank you
And I moved here
And I mean, I have to sit on TV next to Katya
Whose teeth are like perfect
Like, she hits a meth pipe three years, perfect teeth
I carry a Jolly Rancher in my pocket
I'm like, "Was that one of mine? Oh my God"

And I started paying attention to my teeth
Because I saw this commercial called the tissue test
Have you guys seen this commercial?
It's two white ladies at lunch, not eating lunch


And one of them goes
"I′m insecure about the color of my teeth"
And the other one goes
"Just try the tissue test
You take a white tissue and hold—"
Don′t ever do the tissue test

I had to do the Burger King napkin test

So I go to my dentist
And my dentist here, her name is Dr. Sun
She's an elderly Asian woman
She′s also Bill Murray's dentist
So I′m kinda like the Bill Murray of drag

Dr. Sun takes one look in my mouth
And screams over her shoulder
"Cancel all my appointments for the afternoon"
The dental hygienist looked in my mouth and goes
"So were you like a pirate for a couple years or?"

I was like, "Bitch, I'm from Wisconsin
Be happy the gang′s all here"

People from Wisconsin, that's your gums slapping together
Yes
I'm like, "Just be happy they are holding hands"
And no matter how well you take care of your teeth
You go to the dentist and they just body shame you down
"And what′s your home care like?"
Not a hook and a drill, Janet