Water Songtext
von Steven Wright

I got up this morning, I couldn′t find my socks, so I called information
I said, "Hello, information?" She said, "Yes?"
I said, "I can't find my socks"
She said, "They′re behind the couch"
And they were

I'm tired of calling up the movies
And listening to that recording of what's playing
So I bought the album
Last time I went to the movies

I was thrown out for bringing my own food in
My argument was
"The concession stand prices are outrageous
Besides, I haven′t had a barbecue in a long time"

Went to the cinema, it said, "Adults, five dollars, children, two-fifty"
I said, "Alright, give me two boys and a girl"
One time, I went to the drive-in in a cab
Movie cost me 95 dollars
I went into a place to eat, it said, "Breakfast any time"
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance


One time, right in the middle of a job interview
I took out a book and I started reading
The guy said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I said, "Let me ask you one question
If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling

At the speed of light and then you turned your lights on
Would they do anything?"
He said, "I don′t know"
I said, "Forget it then, I don't wanna work for you"

Every night, I go home, and I stare at my rug
And I try to move it using telekinesis
Been doing that every night for eight years
The rug hasn′t moved an inch
The rest of the house is gone

A while ago, I was in Las Vegas
I was at the roulette table having a furious argument
Over what I considered an odd number
That's pretty funny
I bought some powdered water, but I don′t know what to add
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now, he's gone