Mullet Hunter Songtext
von Ralphie May
Mullet Hunter Songtext
Ladies and gentlemen, Ralphie May!
(Applause and Cheering)
Wow. Holy smokes. Thank you everybody. Thank you so much. Y′all calm down. Calm down, calm down
I feel—it's nice, thank you so much. I mean, I don′t know if you're clapping for me or, "Look, the fatty made it all the way to the stage!" Now stop
Thank you, little sister. I appreciate it. All right. It's good to be here, man. Good to be back in the South
(Cheering)
Nice. One of my favorite places in the whole country. It′s awesome. I—I love it the most because—I really love mullets, and—I′ve seen a ton of them since I've been here. It′s only been a couple of days and I've seen about 64 mullets. That′s a lot, okay? That's a whole lot. Way more than your average
I—it′s not fair though, I hunt 'em. I set up a deer stand out in front of Waffle House and wait for 'em to come in
(Laughter)
Oh well. I′ll set up there all day long just call ′em: "Mullet-mullet-mullet-mullet-mullet."
"NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR."
(Laughter and Applause)
If you work with 'em, they′ll come and take their tobacco right out of your hand, I swear to God they will. They will. They like that. You got to work with 'em though
They′re awesome. I've seen some rare mullets since I′ve been here—and it's not just white people with mullets, either. And—it's kind of fun. I saw a black guy with an afro mullet, I guess it would be. No Jerry curls, so it didn′t have that one on him. It was awesome
I saw a "bullet," that′s a—bald mullet
I—I saw an Asian with a mullet, or as they call it, a "murret."
(Laughter)
And—the rarest of all, the "femullet." The female mullet. Oh yeah. I've seen a couple of them here. That′s the unicorn of mullets. You don't see those very often. I tell you. Unless you′re buying crank. That's right. That′s a mullet in the house
I was coming back the other day. We were driving around, and—I was talking to my wife. She was driving, you know, because—I don't know my place sometimes
(Laughter)
And—and—I was talking to her and we were stopped at a light, right? And about an '86 burgundy Camaro with a black door pulled up beside us. And before she could tell me, "Mullet!"—okay—all right—my mullet spider-sense was heightened. I was like—
And this one was awesome. Oh my God! It was a throwback. It was a classic. He had the—the real tall spiky hair, and the sides were shaved real close with a "NASCAR 8" cut into the side. A little tip of the hat to Junior
And then the back was that real long tight perm. Remember that tight perm? Remember that? From the ′80s? That real—looked wet, but it was dry—tight ass perm. You know what I′m talking about? Looked like Puerto Rican pubic hair. You know what I'm saying, right? Okay. It was awesome
And—and I was mesmerized. I couldn′t stop looking. I'm like, "Ooooh. Ooooh!"
(Laughter)
You ever get caught looking at somebody in traffic? You know what I′m talking about? So you do the look away like, "No, I wasn't really looking at you." It happened to me. I was like—
(Gasp)
"Ah!" He caught me on the look back. I′m like, "Son of a bitch, he caught me." He was like, "WHAT?!" I'm like, "Oh, here we go. He's going to get out with a tire iron and beat my car all to crap, and it′s a rental and I don′t have mullet coverage. I'm screwed." It was only six bucks more a day, I should have got it, right? Damn
So finally I did the only thing I thought I could do. I rolled the window down, looked right at him, he was like: "WOOOOO!"
(Cheering)
The light changed to green, he slammed on his gas, and after a couple of seconds, his car took off: "Errrr-errrr!" And he went about 200 yards up to the next red light
Welcome to rednecks. And—
(Wolf whistles and cheering)
Exactly. And about a second and a half later, we pulled in right beside him. And—and I had to keep on looking. Okay, I did
I know you′re going, "Ralphie, why are you looking at the mullet you just saw 200 yards ago?" Well, now you have to take in the whole mullet picture, folks. You can't just leave it there. I mean, it′s a beautiful mullet. I could not just not look at it. I had to look at it
I mean, if I hadn't have looked twice, folks, I wouldn′t have noticed the one T-top. I wouldn't have known it was 1987, the year he graduated from high school, by the tassel hanging from his rearview mirror. Oh yeah, baby!
I had to keep on looking. There could have been a kid in there with a rat tail. Dammit, when was the last time you seen one of them, right? Been a while, hasn't it?
(Applause and Cheering)
Wow. Holy smokes. Thank you everybody. Thank you so much. Y′all calm down. Calm down, calm down
I feel—it's nice, thank you so much. I mean, I don′t know if you're clapping for me or, "Look, the fatty made it all the way to the stage!" Now stop
Thank you, little sister. I appreciate it. All right. It's good to be here, man. Good to be back in the South
(Cheering)
Nice. One of my favorite places in the whole country. It′s awesome. I—I love it the most because—I really love mullets, and—I′ve seen a ton of them since I've been here. It′s only been a couple of days and I've seen about 64 mullets. That′s a lot, okay? That's a whole lot. Way more than your average
I—it′s not fair though, I hunt 'em. I set up a deer stand out in front of Waffle House and wait for 'em to come in
(Laughter)
Oh well. I′ll set up there all day long just call ′em: "Mullet-mullet-mullet-mullet-mullet."
"NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR."
(Laughter and Applause)
If you work with 'em, they′ll come and take their tobacco right out of your hand, I swear to God they will. They will. They like that. You got to work with 'em though
They′re awesome. I've seen some rare mullets since I′ve been here—and it's not just white people with mullets, either. And—it's kind of fun. I saw a black guy with an afro mullet, I guess it would be. No Jerry curls, so it didn′t have that one on him. It was awesome
I saw a "bullet," that′s a—bald mullet
I—I saw an Asian with a mullet, or as they call it, a "murret."
(Laughter)
And—the rarest of all, the "femullet." The female mullet. Oh yeah. I've seen a couple of them here. That′s the unicorn of mullets. You don't see those very often. I tell you. Unless you′re buying crank. That's right. That′s a mullet in the house
I was coming back the other day. We were driving around, and—I was talking to my wife. She was driving, you know, because—I don't know my place sometimes
(Laughter)
And—and—I was talking to her and we were stopped at a light, right? And about an '86 burgundy Camaro with a black door pulled up beside us. And before she could tell me, "Mullet!"—okay—all right—my mullet spider-sense was heightened. I was like—
And this one was awesome. Oh my God! It was a throwback. It was a classic. He had the—the real tall spiky hair, and the sides were shaved real close with a "NASCAR 8" cut into the side. A little tip of the hat to Junior
And then the back was that real long tight perm. Remember that tight perm? Remember that? From the ′80s? That real—looked wet, but it was dry—tight ass perm. You know what I′m talking about? Looked like Puerto Rican pubic hair. You know what I'm saying, right? Okay. It was awesome
And—and I was mesmerized. I couldn′t stop looking. I'm like, "Ooooh. Ooooh!"
(Laughter)
You ever get caught looking at somebody in traffic? You know what I′m talking about? So you do the look away like, "No, I wasn't really looking at you." It happened to me. I was like—
(Gasp)
"Ah!" He caught me on the look back. I′m like, "Son of a bitch, he caught me." He was like, "WHAT?!" I'm like, "Oh, here we go. He's going to get out with a tire iron and beat my car all to crap, and it′s a rental and I don′t have mullet coverage. I'm screwed." It was only six bucks more a day, I should have got it, right? Damn
So finally I did the only thing I thought I could do. I rolled the window down, looked right at him, he was like: "WOOOOO!"
(Cheering)
The light changed to green, he slammed on his gas, and after a couple of seconds, his car took off: "Errrr-errrr!" And he went about 200 yards up to the next red light
Welcome to rednecks. And—
(Wolf whistles and cheering)
Exactly. And about a second and a half later, we pulled in right beside him. And—and I had to keep on looking. Okay, I did
I know you′re going, "Ralphie, why are you looking at the mullet you just saw 200 yards ago?" Well, now you have to take in the whole mullet picture, folks. You can't just leave it there. I mean, it′s a beautiful mullet. I could not just not look at it. I had to look at it
I mean, if I hadn't have looked twice, folks, I wouldn′t have noticed the one T-top. I wouldn't have known it was 1987, the year he graduated from high school, by the tassel hanging from his rearview mirror. Oh yeah, baby!
I had to keep on looking. There could have been a kid in there with a rat tail. Dammit, when was the last time you seen one of them, right? Been a while, hasn't it?
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