Hi Excellency Regrets Songtext
von Noël Coward

Now listen please, I′ll tell you confidentially
How ADC's are trained in social grace
They must be brave, for daily they are called upon to save
His Excellency′s face
In the explanations of the duties of an ADC
Through the complications that arise for Government House
Certain situations they can never let a lady see
There are strange vibrations in the life of Government House
Truth is often sacrificed for reasons of diplomacy
That, of course, you understand
But all the same, it's frightfully grand
To be so suave, so calm, so dignified
If you knew what all that signified
They who break the ninth commandment every day
Would hang their heads in shame and say
"Forgive, we have to live
Officially on feet of clay"
Every minute we're made to sin, it is really very depraved
But to hell with the lies we tell
His Excellency′s honour must be saved


His Excellency regrets that owing to an attack of gout
He really dare not venture out on Saturday to dine
His Excellency regrets that owing to doctor′s orders
He cannot attend a mission tea and also must decline
Your kind invitation for Wednesday week
A slight operation and poor circulation
Combined with a weedy physique
Has made him unable to speak
All this in addition to what
The doctors describe as a clot
Which may disappear by the end of the year
But may very possibly not
His Excellency regrets that owing to his exalted state
He can no more associate with amiable brunettes
Walter, Walter, we're willing to take your bets
But that′s one of the principal things
His Excellency regrets
So now you know about the diplomatic corps
How it can so corrupt the soul of youth
What happens if someday they gave the waiting world a whiff
Of plain unvarnished truth?
His Excellency regrets that failing a better alibi
He must admit he'd rather die than open your bazaar
His Excellency regrets that lacking enough official scope
He can′t disband the Band of Hope
No matter where they are
He frankly despises the people he rules
His gorge also rises when giving the prizes
At co-educational schools to rows of illiterate fools
And if you should write in the book
He'll give you a murderous look
For it ruins his day to be taken away
From his rod and his line and his hook
His Excellency regrets he hasn′t enough to run the house
Or pay the staff or feed a mouse
Upon the pay he gets
Hey ho, hey ho, he's up to his ears in debts
But that's one of the least of the things