Tomatoes Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night. Some people

Started throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought, "Who would throw
A tomato at a band? That′s bad." But then I thought, "Who would
Bring a tomato to a show? That's even worse." Don′t throw a tomato
At a band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're
Enjoying them. "You guys are kicking ass. Here, here′s a tomato."
The tomato is the universal sign of not enjoying a performance
Plus, I like it on sandwiches. I had the man at Subway put tomatoes
On my sandwich because I didn′t like the way he was making it
I don't know what that meant. That
Part was ad-libbed. I′ll take it back


I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball
Fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball
And then spin it round and round. I can't do a back flip. Much less
Several. Simultaneously with two other guys, that look just like me
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to
Me. I seem rather uptight still. I don′t relax by parting my
Legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does
Not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I'm
Eased, bro. Cause I am not in the military. I′m extra at ease

I play tennis. The thing that's depressing about tennis is that no
Matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played
A wall once. They′re fucking relentless. How′s the bass picking up
On the recording? Do you have those little red bars that indicate
How things are going on the pickup department? Steve Martin might
Have a monitoring device to make sure the recording is going well