Three Easy Payments Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

There′s a commercial on late night TV for this thing you attach to
A garden hose that says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants
With this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to
Reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna
Make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they′ll
Invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus."
It says, "You can have this product for four easy payments of $
19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for
Three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We
Can tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is
Gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope
Will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination
Good luck, fucker. That last payment must be made in wampum
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them


I think animal crackers make people think that all
Animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?
" "A hippopotamus. I had 'em back to back." I′d hate
To be a giraffe with a sore throat, goddammit, anyway
See, I write jokes for a living, man. You know, I sit in my
Hotel at night, I think of something that′s funny, then I go
Get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away
I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain′t funny
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 AM, the sign said, "Sorry, we're
Closed." You don′t have to be sorry, it's 3 AM and you′re a dry
Cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you
To be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10 AM and say, "
Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody
Owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done."