The Pipe Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

Hey, this joke′s on the first CD
But I added a new line
So I can't fucking rob you of this one

I got an ant farm
Them fellas didn′t grow shit
I said, "Come on, what about some celery?"
You fuckers don't farm
Plus, if I tore your legs off
You would look like snowmen
That's, that′s the part that′s not on the old CD

Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right?
Can you?
(You can)
Well, who the fuck am I?
Mitch Hedberg, that's right


I like to smoke a pipe
′Cause it's the punch-line indicator
Whenever I take a hit of the pipe
You fuckers should be laughing
Not yet, though, I haven′t said shit

I'll give you an example
You know when they show someone on TV
Washing their hair under a waterfall?
That′s fucking bullshit, man
'Cause that thing would knock you on your ass
No, you didn't laugh, alright

Who′s that guy who′s got the cool laugh up here?
I hope that fucker's mic′d
I'd hate for this show to go unnoticed

Only problem with having a distinctive laugh
Is I know exactly when you′re not laughing
Oh, distinctive laugh? Doesn't think that joke was funny

Yeah, so I think we should only get
Three honks a month on the car horn
Because people honk the car horn too much
Three honks, that′s the limit

And then someone cuts you off
You press your horn, nothing happens
You're like, "Shit, I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk"