Phil Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

That′d be cool if you lived with a monster
You would never get hiccups
And this comedy is all part of my get rich slow scheme
And it's working

People say, "Mitch, why′d you get into comedy?
Were you funny?"
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones
The other class

What's that, my man?
The other class
Shooter
You need that shooter

It's empty, dude
I got something to put in your pipe, though
You′re all about refilling shit
Do you work at a gas station?


Yeah, I′ll take another one of these, though
What's your name, sir?
What? Phil? (Bill)
Oh, I was gonna say Phil
That′s perfect

Your name is Bill? (Bill)
What? (Bill) no, you're lying, no
You′re full of shit

You're a plumber, wow
Well, let me get to the question, then
What do you do for a living?
I guess we′re doing this backwards

All right, what's the next answer?
(Let's go downhill)
Okay, which way does shit run?
These are too easy, man
Try to stop me, Phil

Which way?
What′s next?
What′s the next answer? (Downhill)

Downhill
Which way is my career going, Phil?
Oh, you fucker
Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right?


And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time
But it doesn′t take a lot to figure out
That stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable
That fucker wasted lots of time at school

Because I'd have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl
Maybe even a Señor Scholl
I got New Balance shoes on, but they′re old
So, I might start falling

I don't know about that shit
I don′t know how fuck is that, right?
You know, back in the days of the guillotine
They never got to the two-blade guillotine

Like Gillette
One blade comes down and picks your head up
The other blade slices through