Minibar Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes a hotel doesn′t have a mini-bar. A mini-bar is a machine
That makes everything expensive. And when I take something out
Of the mini-bar I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before
They can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit
Impossible to replace. I go to the store and say, "Do you have Coke
In a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

Can′t please all the people all the time. And last night all
Those people were at my show. I'm against picketing, but I don't
Know how to show it. I need that sporadic applause on the CD
Boy. That applause will be duplicated. It′s gonna be after every
Joke. The CD′s gonna be six hours long. Six jokes. Just looped


Laughter. I like to close my eyes on stage because I've drawn
A picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of
My eyelids. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up

I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall
If I buy a candy bar at a store often times I will drop it so
That it achieves its maximum flavor potential. I bought a seven

Dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their
Soul to the devil. And the devil was dill. This joke′s stupid

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't
Need a receipt for the donut, man. I′ll just give you the money
And you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to
Bring ink and paper into this. I just can′t imagine a scenario
Where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend
"Don't even act like I didn′t get that donut. I got the documentation
Right here. Oh, wait, it′s at home. In the file. Under D."