Bed and Breakfast Songtext
von Mitch Hedberg

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady
Said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "
Celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of you asking me this question."

I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance
Equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, "I need
To put some surveillance on somebody. Rick′s been acting fishy
I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks
Like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like
A spray-and-wash can. That would create better situations."
"Hey, Mitch, can I use the spray-and-wash?" "Yeah
If you want to spray your shirt with documents."

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, ′cause I don't think I
Would, 'cause I figure you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end
Of the day, you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here?
Then you need to direct me to a chair-lunch-dinner. I′m gonna open
Up a chain of chair-lunch-dinners. Put ′em right across the street
From the bed and breakfast. Say, "Come on over
About 1:00, but you have to leave at 11:00, '
Cause you′re not sleeping in the fucking chair."


We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what "
Sweeten" means, right? That′s the showbiz term for "add sugar to."

Anyway, I was in Ireland performing, and uh- (woohoo!)

That's right, that′s why I left, 'cause fuckers go "woohoo
" And I got sick of that shit. I can't take "woohoo"
Anymore. And I′ll be goddamned if they′re not here, too

But anyway, in Kilkenny, Ireland, they don't have anything American
Over there. It′s very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop
That was the one thing they had American. And that became the
American embassy to me. I'd go out to a bar, piss off an Irish dude
And have him chase me to the Subway. Say, "Dude
I′m sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction
But you can have a cold cut combo, though."

Now this is my second part of my Subway two-part joke. I was in
Downtown Boise, Idaho when I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was
Lost, ′cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown. There's nothing for
′Em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, "Let me have
A bun." But she wouldn′t sell me just the bun, she said it had to
Have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway
To sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain′t supposed to touch


So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which
They did. They said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It′s
For a duck." They said, "Alright, well, then it's free."

See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I
Known that, I would′ve ordered a much larger sandwich. Let me have
The steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up, it's for a
Duck. There are six ducks out there, and they all want SunChips

I find that ducks′ opinion of me is very much influenced over whether
Or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but it does not have the
Capability to buy a loaf. That′s the biggest joke on the duck ever
Like, if I worked at a convenience store and a duck came in and
Grabbed a loaf of bread with his beak and walked out, I would
Let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends."

When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks, right?
But shit, he could have, like, a beaver in tow. ′Cause if you're an
Animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, ′cause they got some
Kickass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on

Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge
Farm bread, ′cause that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice
So you open it, and it still ain′t open. That′s why I don't
Buy it. I don′t need another step between me and toast