Greeting Cards (Encore) Songtext
von Dan Cummins

I′m gonna cheat a little bit here
We're gonna do a bonus track
I′ve been doing these greeting cards for a long time
Yeah, thanks, thanks, thanks
I know, I kind of differ from the stories
But yeah, I've been doing them
So I've got some new greeting cards
And some of you guys know I′ve been doing
Them for a long time, and I′ve been trying to get them
On the store shelves, and not happening so far

So far it's been a tough sell
Maybe because these cards are ridiculously offensive and mean
Which I think, that′s what I would like to give my friends
It wouldn't even matter if the holiday matched up, just you know
Just like a ridiculous card


And so what I do is I take various holidays and I think
What′s the worst thing I can give somebody on this day?
And I write it down, and as soon as I put the period on the last sentence
I feel a little joy just rush into my heart
And I want to share that with you, just, um

Stuff like, "Happy New Year's, buddy
I made a resolution this year to hang out with smarter
More attractive friends, take care of yourself"
"Sorry I didn′t get you a present yet
I was about to, but then I remembered that you're a grown up
I got an idea, how about if you want something
You get off your lazy ass, and you buy it for yourself
Merry Christmas, Grandma"

She's got lots of money and nothing but free time
Why should I be her errand boy?
"Happy Hanukkah, I got you a Bible, just think about it
Just read the New Shilling one time"
"Sorry this card′s a bit late, but
I guess you′re used to things showing up a bit late
Like good decisions and condoms
Congrats on the new baby"


"Happy birthday, stepdad
I got you a crowbar
I thought it would come in handy
The next time you try and pry something apart
Like you did, our family"

You know, they have congrats cards for everything
"Congrats on your recent weight loss
Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face"
"I probably should have told you before we had unprotected sex
But I have AIDS, gonorrhea, and herpes
April Fools, I don't have herpes"

This is a category I touched on before
There′s pet condolences cards, like somebody's pet passes away
You can get a card by animal, broken down by animal, at Hallmark
Here′s a new one of mine

"You keep saying losing a dog is like losing a child
Well, I'm going to help you get over this loss
By proving to you that that′s not true at all
You should be happy to know that 30 minutes ago
I killed one of your children
How upset are you about your dog right now?
You're welcome"

"Happy birthday, son
I'm so proud of the man you′ve become
And to think, if I would′ve had two less drinks that night
You probably would have ended up on a towel
After wiping off your mom's tits"

I don′t want to leave on filth, so I'm going to leave on
The sweetest one I′ve ever written
It truly is. It truly is
"I know I don't suck on your nipples anymore
But I′m glad we're still close
Happy Mother's Day, I love you, Mom"

Hey, thank you guys very, very much
Thank you, have a great night