The Jobbie Weecha !!! / Please Help Me, I’m Falling* Songtext
von Billy Connolly
The Jobbie Weecha !!! / Please Help Me, I’m Falling* Songtext
This story, basically, is true. The first part is definitely true
And I′ll just explain it to you. I was playing in a club in Edinburgh
, And when I come off stage, I met a girl I knew. She's a nurse from
Edinburgh. And, eh, she said, "Oh, that was smashing." And I said, "
Thanks very much." And she says, "Oh, I wish I was a folk singer."
Well, I didn′t want to say, "I wish I was a nurse," you know? So I
Said, "That's fair enough," you know? But we were talking away and
The conversation was getting awful boring, you know? Like, oh, "The
Nights are fair drawing in," and "It's an awful nip in the air," and
I′m saying, "Aye, very good, aye." So I thought I′d cheer the
Conversation up a bit. And I said, "Nurse, eh, ho ho ho ho ho." She
Says, eh, "Aye." I says, "You must see some freaks, eh? Ho ho ho ho
" Hoping she'd tell me about people with three bums and all that. But
She says, "Oh, aye, we see, oh, dear, oh, do we no see them." I said
"Well, come on!" She said, "Well..." And she told me a story about a
Guy they found in the street at Corstorphine in Edinburgh. It′s on
Princes Street before it's called Princes Street, along at the zoo
There are some bungalows, and that′s Corstorphine. It's the sort of
Spam belt of Edinburgh. And they found this guy on the grass
Somebody had phoned up the hospital and said, "Could you come and
Take this chap away? He′s lying in the grass verge. And I think he's
Terribly injured. Could you please come and take him away fast
Because judging by his clothes, he's working class and he′s
Frightening the kids, you know?" So this ambulance drew up and they
Poured this poor creature in to the ambulance, and away up to the
Hospital. Put him in a bed, started battering blood into him at one
End and it was squishing all over the place. Squirtin′ out of the
Holes in his body and there was bits missing and fingers and big
Holes in him. So the blood was going all over the place and they were
Getting really distressed. 'Cause it was going on the curtains and
The floor. The nurses were slipping and dropping all their gear and
Swearing and oh, panic. The doctor was saying, "Well, what do you
Make of it, Tam?" That′s another doctor. He said, "Well, I don't
Know, Alec." Said, "Well, jings, crivens, help my balls. That′s all
I can say for that." Said, "Aye, I know." And he said, "Well, I'll
Tell you something, Alec, it′s not assault and battery." He says, "
And how do you make that out, Tam?" Says, "To assault and batter a man
To that degree, you'd have to kneel on his belly button, batter him
With a hammer for a fortnight, and then a good rub down with
Sandpaper." But while they were chatting away there, the guy snuffed
It. Dead, gone forever. And they said, "Oh, I wonder who he is."
So they opened up his jacket, and there was a Spanish label on his
Jacket. And judging by the extent of his injuries and the Spanish
Label, they said he was probably a stowaway on an airplane, in the
Undercarriage. And as it come into Edinburgh, it opened out. He'd be
Lying there reading his Playboy and get the fright of his life. Dead
And I think that′s a terrible shame. And the nurses were saying, "
Oh, he′s probably one of these romantic Spaniards coming over here to
Meet a nice Scottish girl." I don't think so, and I′ll tell you why
Because I'm terrified of flying. And before I fly, I have four or
Five pints of the foaming ale, and four or five little whiskeys
Sometimes known as nippy sweeties. By the time I′ve had them, I'm
Everybody′s pal and I'm game for anything. "Ding dong, the next
Flight to..." "Ah, that's mine! Hey, hey!" Running, first in the
Queue. "Ha ha ha! Here we go! Yoohoo!" Up the gangway steps two at
A time. "Yo-hoo! Nae problem! How′s the weather in Havana?" People
Go all upset, you see. And away down the aisle of the air... You
Know, no matter how early you got on your airplane, there′s always
These wee men with the briefcases and the white knuckles. Sitting
Sitting at the side of the aisle. The wee briefcases and the wee bony
Fingers and the white knuckles. And say, "Is that a bum? Shut your
Face, you! Oh, okay. I want a windy seat. Ho ho!" Climbing over
People getting to the windy. Drunk and making a complete fool of
Yourself. Sit at the windy. "Ho ho, ho ho, this is a gem, isn't
It? Oh, look at that. The people look just like ants, don′t they?
" Say, "They are ants, we're not away yet, you know." Say, "
Ah well, fair enough, ho ho." Proceed to make a right eejit of
Yourself. Get two wrong ends of safety belt, two buckles. Tie it
In a knot and go to sleep. So the guy next to you has to pinch
The buckle for the guy next to him. Whoop, click, and he goes to
Sleep as well. The guy at the end′s left with one bit of seat belt
Nae buckle. Has to tie it round his leg. Kid on, he's sleeping
And all. And then, whoof, off she go. And you′re up there. Reading
The safety instructions.They give you a safety belt and a cushion
What's the cushion for?
You're supposed to tuck it under your body and bend over
With your wee silly belt on
Now supposing you′re heading for a mountain at 500 miles an hour
With your safety belt and your cushion in your hand
What do you do with your cushion?
Do you all throw it at the one time and you say
"Go away nasty mountain!"
That′s what you do
Now you've also, if you read the instructions
Got a life belt under your seat, a safety jacket
A life jacket tucked under your seat
Now that′s fair enough
I fancy a parachute myself
But you get a life jacket
And that's magic isn′t it?
So you're heading for Manchester like that, vertically
About 600 mile an hour towards Manchester
In a straight line
With your life jacket all blown up
Saying to the bloke next to you
"Hey, I hope it′s raining eh?"
Shouting to the pilot
"Hey Jimmy, aim for a puddle would you?"
It's just no funny really
So you're 20 minutes into the air and because you′ve been drinking
You need to pee again
So you get out of your seat
After spilling coffee over the other two guys
All the way up to the toilet
And you find that the toilet′s a triangular wee thing
With no windows
And I don't like that when there′s no windows
Because when you close the door you
Don't know what direction you′re going in
And there's no reason why they shouldn′t have a window
I mean it's not as if anybody can see in, you know
So you do a wee wee
Or perchance a jobbie
Some people jobbie all the time
Personally I've never been known to jobbie
People in, people in show business and royalty never ever do jobbies
So you do your pee pee, perchance a jobbie
Everyone′s all over, you wash your hands, tidy yourself up
You′re about to walk out and then you say "Oh dear"
And you look for the thing to flush, the thing
Can't find it
And then eventually you see written on the underside of the seat
"To flush, close lid"
So you close the lid
And you go to walk out
And then you say "Oh wait a minute"
And you go back and have a wee look
Just to see that it′s away
This wee jobbie
Because there's nothing worse in this world
If you′ve travelled in British Rail you'll know this
There′s nothing worse than going into a toilet
Locking the door, turning round and
Finding that there's a wee jobbie in there
Somebody else's
British Rail′s terrible for that
So you flush and flush and it won′t go away
So you try to batter it to death with paper towels
And it still won't go away
This wee beige jobbie
This wee smiling thing
And you don′t want to bare your bum to it
I don't know why, it′s not going to bite you or anything
But you don't want to
And you can′t leave
Because if you go to leave and there's a guy outside
You can hardly say "Honest Jimmy, it's not mine"
Because he′s going to say "Oh it′s not yours, how do you
Know it's yours, you′ve got your name in it or something?"
See, so back to the plane
You have a wee check
Just to make sure everything's okey dokey
And then you come out
Now I′ve done this a few times
And then I begin to wonder
I wonder where it goes
You know, in an aeroplane
A jobbie and a wee wee
Where do they go?
And a guy said "Oh"
This intellectual friend of mine said
"Oh, they go into a big tank
And when the plane gets to its destination
They take the tank away and get rid of it"
Well I don't believe that
Because you get 300 people in a jumbo jet for seven hours
That′s a lot of jobbie
Okay, I give in, where's the tank?
With that amount of people for that amount of time
You'd need another jumbo jet behind you
So I′ve come to the conclusion
That they wheek it out into the sky
Wheek!
And I know this is true because I was
Watching Tomorrow′s World one night
And this man was on and he had just
Invented a thing called a jobbie wheeker
A jobbie wheekerPlease help me I'm falling
In love with you
Just dropped in to see you
Right out of the blue
I don′t want to make love to you
Just one kiss will do
Please help me I'm falling
In love with you
And I′ll just explain it to you. I was playing in a club in Edinburgh
, And when I come off stage, I met a girl I knew. She's a nurse from
Edinburgh. And, eh, she said, "Oh, that was smashing." And I said, "
Thanks very much." And she says, "Oh, I wish I was a folk singer."
Well, I didn′t want to say, "I wish I was a nurse," you know? So I
Said, "That's fair enough," you know? But we were talking away and
The conversation was getting awful boring, you know? Like, oh, "The
Nights are fair drawing in," and "It's an awful nip in the air," and
I′m saying, "Aye, very good, aye." So I thought I′d cheer the
Conversation up a bit. And I said, "Nurse, eh, ho ho ho ho ho." She
Says, eh, "Aye." I says, "You must see some freaks, eh? Ho ho ho ho
" Hoping she'd tell me about people with three bums and all that. But
She says, "Oh, aye, we see, oh, dear, oh, do we no see them." I said
"Well, come on!" She said, "Well..." And she told me a story about a
Guy they found in the street at Corstorphine in Edinburgh. It′s on
Princes Street before it's called Princes Street, along at the zoo
There are some bungalows, and that′s Corstorphine. It's the sort of
Spam belt of Edinburgh. And they found this guy on the grass
Somebody had phoned up the hospital and said, "Could you come and
Take this chap away? He′s lying in the grass verge. And I think he's
Terribly injured. Could you please come and take him away fast
Because judging by his clothes, he's working class and he′s
Frightening the kids, you know?" So this ambulance drew up and they
Poured this poor creature in to the ambulance, and away up to the
Hospital. Put him in a bed, started battering blood into him at one
End and it was squishing all over the place. Squirtin′ out of the
Holes in his body and there was bits missing and fingers and big
Holes in him. So the blood was going all over the place and they were
Getting really distressed. 'Cause it was going on the curtains and
The floor. The nurses were slipping and dropping all their gear and
Swearing and oh, panic. The doctor was saying, "Well, what do you
Make of it, Tam?" That′s another doctor. He said, "Well, I don't
Know, Alec." Said, "Well, jings, crivens, help my balls. That′s all
I can say for that." Said, "Aye, I know." And he said, "Well, I'll
Tell you something, Alec, it′s not assault and battery." He says, "
And how do you make that out, Tam?" Says, "To assault and batter a man
To that degree, you'd have to kneel on his belly button, batter him
With a hammer for a fortnight, and then a good rub down with
Sandpaper." But while they were chatting away there, the guy snuffed
It. Dead, gone forever. And they said, "Oh, I wonder who he is."
So they opened up his jacket, and there was a Spanish label on his
Jacket. And judging by the extent of his injuries and the Spanish
Label, they said he was probably a stowaway on an airplane, in the
Undercarriage. And as it come into Edinburgh, it opened out. He'd be
Lying there reading his Playboy and get the fright of his life. Dead
And I think that′s a terrible shame. And the nurses were saying, "
Oh, he′s probably one of these romantic Spaniards coming over here to
Meet a nice Scottish girl." I don't think so, and I′ll tell you why
Because I'm terrified of flying. And before I fly, I have four or
Five pints of the foaming ale, and four or five little whiskeys
Sometimes known as nippy sweeties. By the time I′ve had them, I'm
Everybody′s pal and I'm game for anything. "Ding dong, the next
Flight to..." "Ah, that's mine! Hey, hey!" Running, first in the
Queue. "Ha ha ha! Here we go! Yoohoo!" Up the gangway steps two at
A time. "Yo-hoo! Nae problem! How′s the weather in Havana?" People
Go all upset, you see. And away down the aisle of the air... You
Know, no matter how early you got on your airplane, there′s always
These wee men with the briefcases and the white knuckles. Sitting
Sitting at the side of the aisle. The wee briefcases and the wee bony
Fingers and the white knuckles. And say, "Is that a bum? Shut your
Face, you! Oh, okay. I want a windy seat. Ho ho!" Climbing over
People getting to the windy. Drunk and making a complete fool of
Yourself. Sit at the windy. "Ho ho, ho ho, this is a gem, isn't
It? Oh, look at that. The people look just like ants, don′t they?
" Say, "They are ants, we're not away yet, you know." Say, "
Ah well, fair enough, ho ho." Proceed to make a right eejit of
Yourself. Get two wrong ends of safety belt, two buckles. Tie it
In a knot and go to sleep. So the guy next to you has to pinch
The buckle for the guy next to him. Whoop, click, and he goes to
Sleep as well. The guy at the end′s left with one bit of seat belt
Nae buckle. Has to tie it round his leg. Kid on, he's sleeping
And all. And then, whoof, off she go. And you′re up there. Reading
The safety instructions.They give you a safety belt and a cushion
What's the cushion for?
You're supposed to tuck it under your body and bend over
With your wee silly belt on
Now supposing you′re heading for a mountain at 500 miles an hour
With your safety belt and your cushion in your hand
What do you do with your cushion?
Do you all throw it at the one time and you say
"Go away nasty mountain!"
That′s what you do
Now you've also, if you read the instructions
Got a life belt under your seat, a safety jacket
A life jacket tucked under your seat
Now that′s fair enough
I fancy a parachute myself
But you get a life jacket
And that's magic isn′t it?
So you're heading for Manchester like that, vertically
About 600 mile an hour towards Manchester
In a straight line
With your life jacket all blown up
Saying to the bloke next to you
"Hey, I hope it′s raining eh?"
Shouting to the pilot
"Hey Jimmy, aim for a puddle would you?"
It's just no funny really
So you're 20 minutes into the air and because you′ve been drinking
You need to pee again
So you get out of your seat
After spilling coffee over the other two guys
All the way up to the toilet
And you find that the toilet′s a triangular wee thing
With no windows
And I don't like that when there′s no windows
Because when you close the door you
Don't know what direction you′re going in
And there's no reason why they shouldn′t have a window
I mean it's not as if anybody can see in, you know
So you do a wee wee
Or perchance a jobbie
Some people jobbie all the time
Personally I've never been known to jobbie
People in, people in show business and royalty never ever do jobbies
So you do your pee pee, perchance a jobbie
Everyone′s all over, you wash your hands, tidy yourself up
You′re about to walk out and then you say "Oh dear"
And you look for the thing to flush, the thing
Can't find it
And then eventually you see written on the underside of the seat
"To flush, close lid"
So you close the lid
And you go to walk out
And then you say "Oh wait a minute"
And you go back and have a wee look
Just to see that it′s away
This wee jobbie
Because there's nothing worse in this world
If you′ve travelled in British Rail you'll know this
There′s nothing worse than going into a toilet
Locking the door, turning round and
Finding that there's a wee jobbie in there
Somebody else's
British Rail′s terrible for that
So you flush and flush and it won′t go away
So you try to batter it to death with paper towels
And it still won't go away
This wee beige jobbie
This wee smiling thing
And you don′t want to bare your bum to it
I don't know why, it′s not going to bite you or anything
But you don't want to
And you can′t leave
Because if you go to leave and there's a guy outside
You can hardly say "Honest Jimmy, it's not mine"
Because he′s going to say "Oh it′s not yours, how do you
Know it's yours, you′ve got your name in it or something?"
See, so back to the plane
You have a wee check
Just to make sure everything's okey dokey
And then you come out
Now I′ve done this a few times
And then I begin to wonder
I wonder where it goes
You know, in an aeroplane
A jobbie and a wee wee
Where do they go?
And a guy said "Oh"
This intellectual friend of mine said
"Oh, they go into a big tank
And when the plane gets to its destination
They take the tank away and get rid of it"
Well I don't believe that
Because you get 300 people in a jumbo jet for seven hours
That′s a lot of jobbie
Okay, I give in, where's the tank?
With that amount of people for that amount of time
You'd need another jumbo jet behind you
So I′ve come to the conclusion
That they wheek it out into the sky
Wheek!
And I know this is true because I was
Watching Tomorrow′s World one night
And this man was on and he had just
Invented a thing called a jobbie wheeker
A jobbie wheekerPlease help me I'm falling
In love with you
Just dropped in to see you
Right out of the blue
I don′t want to make love to you
Just one kiss will do
Please help me I'm falling
In love with you
Writer(s): Billy Connolly, Donald Robertson Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com
