Cat-tastrophy Songtext
von Waddie Mitchell

One day while walkin′ down the street
A cowboy pal I happened to meet
Of whom I hadn't seen since fall of ′93
And he shared a tale that made me cry
So in his own words I will try to recreate how he related it to me

To catch us up I'll have to tell about my summer
Spent in hell and a feline pet that caused a whole affair
About some stupid things I did like I was still a greenhorn kid
And repercussions from not taking proper care

You see I'd hired out to lend a hand
To help this outfit rope and brand all their calves up
When they turned them out that spring
We pulled the wagon out in May
The grub was fair as was the pay
And they′d staked me to a pretty handy string


But when the work was said and done
And we′d had ourselves our fun
I just reckoned I'd be back a saddle tramp
But they offers decent pay through the summer
If I′d stay and take the job to tend the cows at bottom camp

Well I accepts and thanks 'em kind
Never giving any mind that the bottom camp was no vacation center
For I figured heck, if I′d switch and save
I'd be rich by the time we drove the cattle home for winter

And the camp had work enough each day to keep me humping for my pay
I had no time or chance to practice being lazy
But that old line shack sure got tight
And all them lonely hours at night
That soon began to drive me cabin crazy

It weren′t too long before I found that I'd be talking just for sound
And soon my conversations went on all night long
Oh I was amiable at first but then my attitude got worse
And I'd argue even when I wasn′t wrong

But then I received this welcomed note
In which my little sister wrote
That she was coming out to see the camp and me
And she′d bring a pet to be my friend
And that should help to put an end to being cranky
Due to lack of company


But on the day that she arrived
I was unpleasantly surprised
To see the present she had brung out from the city
It weren't a canine like I thought
It made me some distraught
When I found out what she brought out was a kitty

But she plead a real good case
That it should liven up the place
And then she argued all the merits of a cat
She said they don′t bark or make a mess
And that it'd rid the house of pests
So I figured that it might work out at that

So I spent a lot of time kissing up to that feline
And I worked to build a bond with it each day
But old Pusser didn′t care
It acted like I wasn't there or even worse
Like I was always in its way

But I sure started thinking twice
When it made friends of all the mice
When to me it wouldn′t give a second look

I was only there to tend its needs
While it would leave its dirty deeds
In my slippers or upon my favorite book

It wouldn't use the litter box
But it would steal and hide my socks
Heck I lost more than any dryer ever ate

And it would constantly shed hair
In food, on clothes, and everywhere
I coughed a hairball out a squirrel would want to date

Or I'd do my chores and as I did
It would sneak from where it hid
To pounce and dig its claws into my back
I never knew from where or when it′d be attacking me again
But I got paranoid just being in that shack

If it weren′t shredding up my bed
Then it'd be whining to be fed
And all its meals would have to be prepared just so

But things had gone way too far
The day I looked into my jar
And found it littered right there in my sourdough

Well that proved the final straw
I′d spit that cat out of my craw
And banish it to live on what it caught

So I threw that wench outside
With all my troubles to reside
So things could settle down or so I thought

But it just screeched a mournful song
And kept it going all night long
Like it was auditioning to sing before the devil

It just ducked the things I flung
Then raised the volume that it sung
To an intolerable and irritating level

I couldn't get that horrid pest
To give its vocal cords a rest
And it would encore that same concert every night

Every time toward sleep I′d fade
It'd start again that serenade
What it was doing to my psyche wasn′t right

Sometimes, somehow it'd get back in
And then it'd meet me with a grin
As if to say I guess I surely won this bout

The whole place would be a wreck
I′d want to ring its scrawny neck
And I′d play hell to get that stupid cat back out

It seemed to almost always win
At getting underneath my skin
And my work away became my only buffer

I think it spent its waking hours
Practicing its evil powers
Finding new and different ways to make me suffer

Every day it just got worse
It got to where that I'd curse
The very thought of even stepping foot outside

It would scratch and hiss and bite
We′d have this horrible bloody fight
I was near the point of contemplating suicide

If I was ever to be free
Then it was strictly up to me
To do the only other thing I knew I could

Because there was no good recourse
I'd have to employ deadly force
And put that cat out of my misery for good

The only problem I had now
Was the deciding as to how
For a lot was riding on the way I chose

But I knew I′d have to do it or die
And there was no going back from here
I'd have to put that cat out of my misery for goodSo

I set out to devise that demon kitty cat′s demise
It would be the coup de grâce to all my woes
So with that task upon my mind constantly
I tried to find the apparatus I'd use to wring its smell

Guns or knives just didn't seem near harsh enough
To fit the dream of the way I was gonna send it back to hell

Then on an open mountainside one sunny day
I happened to ride past the tunnel of a long abandoned mine
So I stepped off to the ground and started rummaging around
To see what might be there that I could find

I yelped like a scalded fox when I looked in this ol′ box
And found some things in there I knew that I could use
By some shovels and a pick there lay a perfectly good stick
Of blasting powder and an eight foot length of fuse

Oh, you can imagine my delight
The puzzle fit together right
It would be like I′d called in the Marines

Stupid cats are quick to trust us
It would be poetic justice
When I'd blow it and them all into smithereens

So I let it in that night as if I′d given up the fight
And I chuckled to myself as vengeance loomed

In a weird way it was fun
I let it gloat and think it won
But little did it know that it was doomed

I awoke as daylight broke
Despising joy lumped in my throat
When I caught that cat and stuffed it in a sack

I left ajar the cabin door
I needn't worry anymore
′Cause I'd be the only one that′s coming back

So I headed down the pasture
My ol' heart was beating faster
You know, it's strange how crazed with hate a man can get

My stride showed this persistence
Till I′d reached a good safe distance
Now, the time had come to blow this cat to bits

So I tied the dynamite around that cat securing tight
Then I struck a match, lit the fuse and run

I quickly got behind a tree
Kneeling down upon one knee
And I peeked around the trunk to watch the fun

I was stunned and paralyzed when I looked for and realized
That the cat weren′t there where it had been before

It was speeding up the trail like it was packing precious mail
Straight for the house and towards that open door

Before too long I heard the blast
My world collapsed around me fast
And I knew the boss would probably be miffed

I just sat there on the ground
Analyzing what went down
And I cursed the day my little sister brought that gift

I finally trudged on up to see all the wreckage and debris
There weren't nothing left of my stuff or the shack

I felt obliged to pay the cost of all the things the ranch had lost
Which took all of my back wages and my tack

Oh, things was bad but I suppose that one must pay the bills he owes
It′s a hard thing letting go of all I'd saved

But what made the whole thing worse
It was as if I had been cursed
That cat was fine, came through it unscathed

Who would have guessed or ever knew
It′d slip that stick before it blew
And still get out without as much as being scratched

Next time I will not use but maybe one third that much fuse
And make sure I close the door and drop the latch

Well, with that he got up slow
Turned and started off to go from that place then
Where the two of us were at
And as he left me there behind
That image burned into my mind
How he looked broken there while stroking on that cat