Getting to Outer Space from Sheboygan Songtext
von Tim Bedore

Here he is, a philosopher, a writer, a comedian, a man who′s
Coming up right after this, the host of Fake But True, Tim Bedore!
One day, you may slip the surly bonds of earth's atmosphere on a
Space plane flying out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Right now, if and
When you think of Sheboygan, you probably think bratwurst. If they
Have their way in the future, when you think of Sheboygan, you
May well think space, the final frontier. I grew up in Wisconsin
I love Wisconsin, it′s a fine state, but should it lead American
Industry into for-profit space travel? Wearing a cheesehead? I am
Not so sure. To the fine people of Sheboygan, I would just like
To say, being the Cape Canaveral of the upper Midwest is a fine
Goal, but there is a big difference in technical difficulty between
Returning safely from beyond our atmosphere and making sausage
Yet, according to a story in the Chicago Tribune, Sheboygan
Population 50,000, wants to become the Cape Canaveral of the
Midwest, and for a fee, send people into space on low-orbit flying
Machines. Why Sheboygan? Because very few places in America are
Zoned for space flight. That's not hard to believe! What is hard
To believe is that Sheboygan is one of them. I know that sounds
As bizarre and unbelievable as saying Liberace was a great college


Football player. But in the case of Sheboygan being zoned for
Space flight, it's true. I don′t think Liberace was an athlete
So, Wisconsin state senator Joe Leibham, Republican Sheboygan, has
Visions of a for-profit spaceport that would launch private rockets
Over Lake Michigan, saying recently, "We should at least lay the
Groundwork so if this industry wants to come to Sheboygan, we′ve
Got the appropriate launchpad in place so we can build on that new
Economic frontier." And this statement from the senator is why I
Believe in term limits. Senator, if you want to grow your economy
Figure out a way to get Jägermeister into bratwurst. It'll be a
Huge success that will never sputter out and crash into Kalamazoo
In this same Chicago Tribune article, the reporter also noted some
Other ways people in Wisconsin are trying to draw visitors and
Dollars to their state. There is a farmer in a town called Poland
Who has a four-story-tall plastic cow in his front yard. Wisconsin
Is home to the world′s largest penny, also the world's largest
Fiberglass fish at 143 feet long. People drive from all over to take
Pictures next to it and add captions like, "You should see the size
Of my rod!" One Wisconsin man took a 242-foot-long fuel tank
Planted one end in the ground, welded a metal platform to
The other end, and claimed it the state′s first official UFO
Landing port. The sign next to it says, "We're not alone."
This man has the right idea on how to involve Wisconsin in
Space travel: Inviting aliens from outer space to visit
America′s dairyland, not sending humans into outer space from it
In fact, I don't think we should allow for-profit space travel
When profit is a motive, cutting corners is the order of the day
Personally, I've had a bad history with for-profit travel entities
Called airlines. And if a business as well-run as an airline took
You into outer space, you could lose a lot more than your luggage

This is your captain speaking, I hope you′re enjoying your suborbital
Space flight today on Sheboygan Space Ventures. At this time
I would like to apologize for running out of peanuts and oxygen
This is a little embarrassing, but it seems the bean counters decided
To go with the less expensive valves on the oxygen tanks, and
According to our instruments, in just a few minutes, you′ll be
Feeling the first effects of suffocation. Even though death is coming
Upon you, you will experience a strange sense of euphoria. But don't
Be fooled. You are dying. And we are sorry for any inconvenience this
May cause you. In the meantime, if you look out the left side of
The aircraft, you′ll notice we're passing right by one of ESPN′s
Satellites, bringing your friends on Earth the Bob Hope Desert
Classic golf tournament. Oh, to be back on Earth
I wanna tell you. So sit back and enjoy the rest
Of the... spiders. The horizon. I see spiders

How much would these suborbital space flights cost? $250,000 per
Person. And that is why I believe in higher taxes on the rich! If
There are enough people who can pay a quarter of a million dollars
For a short trip into space for it to become a business in Sheboygan
Wisconsin, then there's a bunch of people with too much money. I am
All for people making and keeping a lot of money, but when teachers
Start out making not a whole lot more than the greeters at Walmart at
The same time a bunch of people can pay a quarter of a million
Dollars to leave the atmosphere for a few minutes
Then we need higher taxes on the rich. Not
Higher taxes on me, not you, just the silly rich
And yet there′s a big part of me that doesn't want to dampen the
Entrepreneurial vision of the people of Sheboygan, whom I love
Primarily because of those great bratwurst they make. So, don't
Listen to me. For the greater glory of Sheboygan, you go out into
Space, and on that maiden voyage, tell ′em who you are, Sheboygan!
Be loud and be proud. That first time out in space, unfurl a huge
Trail of Johnsonville brats, 130, maybe 150 bratwurst
Linked together, floating in zero gravity, high above the
Earth, and like Neil Armstrong, proudly proclaim, "
On behalf of Sheboygan and the entire state of Wisconsin
This is one giant brat for man, one giant link for mankind."
From Minneapolis, Minnesota, where the introverts stare
At their shoes and the extroverts stare at your shoes
I′m Tim Bedore on the Bob and Tom Radio Network