Jesus Songtext
von Sam Kinison

Plus, I kinda, I read the Bible
I′m pretty fascinated by the life of Christ
It's a pr-, it′s a pretty good trick to pull off
Come back from the dead and not scare the hell out of everybody, huh?
Jesus is the only guy that did that
He's the only guy that ever came out of the fucking grave
After being dead for three days where people didn't go

"Oh, oh, oh! The dead let the dead fucking live!
Oh my god, oh!
Kill it, kill it"
And yeah, anybody else, man? Anybody else?
People freak Jesus comes out and na! Ha! It′s Jesus!
Hey, you′re a little dusty there, aren't you? Let′s wipe some of that off
God, what, dried with the top down, huh?


No, I guess that's why he never got married
No wife would ever buy the fucking resurrection, all right?
It′s like, sure, she sees him on Friday afternoon, He takes off with 12 fucking guys
She doesn't hear from him again ′til Monday
He comes in the house, she's going
"And where have you been for three days, Mr. Winemaker?"
Jesus is going, "No, no, I'll tell you, I′ll tell you right now
First of all, not that it′s important, but I was dead!"

I'm in a fucking grave outside of town
I′m fighting death, hell, decomposition
I'm changing spiritual form about to come into the kingdom of God, like, wait a second
I better go back because she doesn′t know where I've been
Yeah, it never would have worked, man, been all kinds of press
Jesus gets divorced, wife doesn′t buy resurrection, you know?
Just never would have worked, what a life, huh

People say, "You think Jesus is coming back?"
Oh, sure, yeah, he's skipping all the way, huh?
What it been, two thousand years? Yeah, he's coming back
He′s going to be on game shows
It′s gonna be on This Is Your Life
They're going to go, "Jesus, do you remember this noise?"
He′s gonna go, "Yeah, I can name that tune in two notes!"


Yeah, I figure Jesus is in heaven right now
They're going, "Jesus, why don′t you go back down to earth?
These are troubled times, they need a symbol of peace and love again
Somebody walk in the world with real peace"
Jesus is going, "Yeah, sure, yeah, I'll go back, I′ll go back
As soon as I can play the piano again, I'll be right there"
Thanks a lot, I'm being the only savior that can use his hand as a fucking whistle
Jesus, he clips

Man, I′m not trying to make jokes about Jesus, though
I saw the movies, I read the Bible
He′s always on the cross at the end, crucifixion
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around going
"It′s a shame that he has to die"
And Jesus is always going
"Well, maybe I wouldn't have to, somebody get a ladder and a pair of pliers"
But the Bible said you′re supposed to die
Oh! Buy the book! Buy the book!

Oh, tough gig, tough gig
But that's what happens to everybody that tries to help, huh?
Abraham Lincoln, right? Gandhi, Sadat
You′re going to bring peace to the Middle East, huh?
Says, yeah, yeah, I'm going to bring peace over here
Well, Sadat, listen, you're doing such a good job
We decided to have a fucking parade for you, okay?
So you wear something real bright and sit down in front, all right?

You′re going to like a certain float we put together for you there
Anybody, man, Kennedy′s, right? Martin Luther King?
I have a dream, oh shit! I have a fucking head wound, thanks a lot, ahh
People go, man, aren't you afraid to tell jokes like that?
Aren′t you afraid, man? Don't you think some kind of curse may come into your life?
Don′t you think you might go to hell? No
Hell? I was married for two fucking years!
Hell would be like club, man, oh, ahh!