I'm a Manatee! Songtext
von Jim Gaffigan

My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow
The manatee is endangered with extinction
And I think it′s because it's out of shape
It looks like a retired football player

Have you ever seen the manatee on the Discovery Channel?
It′s always floating around like, I'm bloated
Too much pizza for me
The manatee is also called the sea cow

Sea cow, that sounds like an insult
It's almost as if the manatee was introduced to the ocean
The other animals were like, "Who′s the new guy?"
The manatee was like, "Oh, hi, everyone"

You can call me the manatee
Yeah, right, sea cow
Name′s manatee
Sea cow, fat ass


Tubby shit
I quitted
I'd love to see the manatee on a show like Ricky Lake
The manatee would be sitting there like

Ricky, I′m here because I'm endangered
And then one of those mean people
In the audience would offer up the advice
Yeah, I want to say something to the sea pig

That′s sea cow, whatever
Seapig, you're a fat seal
You gotta get yourself an education and a job
The manatee would be like, I live in the ocean

Just so happens you live in the ocean
Because you ain′t got no job
You gotta get in weight watch
Or some kind of program

I have a little blubber to keep my body warm in the water
Whatever, talk to the hand
I don't have a hand
What if a manatee was in the audience


They might laugh, but they'd be crying on the inside
It doesn′t look like God tried that hard on the manatee, does it?
Alright, blob of shit, flip-flop
What the hell, let′s go with a goatee

You know what, I got a golf game
Throw this around Florida, it'll fit in
Hey, I′m from Florida
I don't think God plays golf
I don′t like some of those jokes

We all drink bottled water because tap water is scary
That comes from a tap
I don't want that
It′s a bottle water that comes from a tap, but one time

It sounds like there's some guy over in France next to a stream going
One bottle, two bottles
I'd think that guy would speak French
He′s too lazy to learn two words in French

I do feel silly buying bottled water
Whenever I go to a store, I′m always like
Hey, how are you doing?
Yeah, I know I can get water free from any faucet

But I wanna to pay for it
I'm just curious, you got any air back there?
Can I buy your garbage?
How did we get to the point where we′re paying for bottled water?

There must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France
Some French guy was sitting there
How dumb do I think the Americans are?
I bet you we could sell those idiots water

Up here, the Americans are pretty dumb
But they're not going to buy water
Oh, yes, they are
Let′s just tell the Americans the water's from France

And we bought it
I don′t know if you're like me
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny
It's like, bottled water? They′re selling bottled water

I guess I′ll try it
Oh, this is good. This is more watery than water
Yeah, this has got a water kick to it
This must be like H3O

I was looking at a bottle of water
They have nutritional facts printed on this thing
You know, I'm no chemist, but I got a rough idea of what′s in water
I kind of expect to turn the label to be a recipe print

Oh, that's how you make ice cubes
Apparently, you just freeze this stuff
Oh, but you need a tray
That′s how they get you to buy their tray