Whale Assignment Songtext
von Hannah Gadsby
Whale Assignment Songtext
We′ll start from the beginning, okay
I was assigned female at birth, right?
And honestly, good call
Given the context clues at the time
I reckon they nailed it
No notes
Then when I started going to school
I was reassigned a fat ugly bitch
Now, yeah, that one hurt a little bit
Because it came with a punch to the head
Not a birth certificate, but whatever
Now, not long after that
I was re-reassigned a beached whale
Now, that has the rhythm of a bully
But not to my ears
Because I fucking love whales
I always have
I fucking love whales
So I think they were calling me fat
But all I heard was
"She's a mystery
She′s a mystery prone to taking a wrong turn."
And I'm like, "Yep, yep, that tracks."
I do, I fucking love whales
They are mysterious
They're mammals!
What are you doing in the water?
Oxygen′s a vibe
I reckon whales are the original conservatives
I do
Think about it
Back in the day
All the other mammals are going
"Hey, we′re going to grab some legs and fuck off. Are you coming?"
And whales are like
"Nooooooooo! (splash!)
Let's make life primordial again!"
They didn′t specify which whale, and that annoyed me
I wanted specificity
And so I kept asking for clarification
"Yeah, but what sort of whale?"
And they just go, "Fuck off."
And I'm fine with whatever whale
I like all whales
Except I just didn′t want to be
A sperm whale
I fucking hate those guys
Stupid fucking idiots
Like, "Buh, buh."
Like, what the fuck?
Where's the rest of your jaw mate?
"Buh, buh."
Fucking cum skulls
We all have our biases
I also wanted to know why I was a beached whale
Because I wanted to understand my motivation
"But why am I a beached whale?"
And they′re like
"Because you're not in the water!"
Yeah, but I'm also not a whale
We are employing imagination here
We don′t really know why
Whales are beaching themselves
But I think it′s time we accepted
That it's our fault
Like, I think we′re making it
Very noisy in the shipping lanes
They're very filled up with plastic, microplastics
And it′s getting a bit warm
I reckon whales are beaching themselves
In a last-ditch effort to evolve
Do you know?
They're just riding up
And they′re just going
"Oh, this is unsustainable."
And just riding up onto the sand, just going
"Oh, fuck legs. Oh, come on. Fuck. Fuck."
And the seals are just sitting there watching them going
"Oh, no, mate. No, it takes ages. You're fucked."
Anyway I digress
Butch lesbian, that's how I identified
Once I had a mind of my own
And that shoe didn′t exactly fit, but it was comfortable
And it remains comfortable
Very happy to say I′m a butch lesbian
Being butch, you know, has given me community and safety in my life
Very happy to call myself butch
Except that I'm not butch
I′m autistic
And to be fair, that's a very dense Venn diagram
Someone should science that
I think it′s something like
Seven out of ten autistic mice
Wear flannel
I don't know how science works
But I′m not butch
Like, I've got a lot of tools in my shed
But if you look closely
They're not well used
They′re just neat
And I go to the hardware store to buy screws
But they may as well be buttons
I′m just collecting shapes
So I'm not butch
I′ve always understood myself to be
A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B
Even before there was a broader conversation about gender
I understood that I existed
In this liminal space
Between the two established genders
So there is an argument to be made that
I could identify as non-binary
I just don't want to
It′s just so negative
Where's the fun?
The first two letters, it′s over
How do you identify?
No!
You can go too far the other way
Gender fluid
Absolutely not
I cannot identify as wet all of the time
You can call me "Ish-Male"
You can rest assured
This is definitely the best place for that joke
That does not go off in the regional markets
I think Crayola Caddy got it right for me
The crayons?
The original Crayola Caddy, to be specific
Because if you take all the crayons
Out of said Caddy
And line them all up in a neat row
In colour spectrum order
From warm colours to cool colours
And you would!
You would
You would if you're like me and not butch
You would
The crayon that sits in the nexus of blue and green
The crayon that if you remove from context
Nobody will agree
If it is blue or green
That crayon could conceivably help you
Colour in the ocean
It could conceivably help you
Colour in a tree
But ultimately it's pretty shit at both jobs
That crayon is called
Maximum Blue Green
And that′s how I identify
Mostly because it′s been discontinued
And I kind of feel like I've been discontinued
Nobody′s growing up in the 80s anymore
And also, I do feel like the further I move
Into this new life of mine
The more aware I am that
My life is incredibly privileged and eccentric
Which begs the question
Is there any worth?
Is there any worth
In me telling my life story anymore?
You know, like I'm not particularly relatable anymore
You have to ask, who is this for?
And some would argue contractually
Netflix
But that′s where my public and private anxieties collide
I was assigned female at birth, right?
And honestly, good call
Given the context clues at the time
I reckon they nailed it
No notes
Then when I started going to school
I was reassigned a fat ugly bitch
Now, yeah, that one hurt a little bit
Because it came with a punch to the head
Not a birth certificate, but whatever
Now, not long after that
I was re-reassigned a beached whale
Now, that has the rhythm of a bully
But not to my ears
Because I fucking love whales
I always have
I fucking love whales
So I think they were calling me fat
But all I heard was
"She's a mystery
She′s a mystery prone to taking a wrong turn."
And I'm like, "Yep, yep, that tracks."
I do, I fucking love whales
They are mysterious
They're mammals!
What are you doing in the water?
Oxygen′s a vibe
I reckon whales are the original conservatives
I do
Think about it
Back in the day
All the other mammals are going
"Hey, we′re going to grab some legs and fuck off. Are you coming?"
And whales are like
"Nooooooooo! (splash!)
Let's make life primordial again!"
They didn′t specify which whale, and that annoyed me
I wanted specificity
And so I kept asking for clarification
"Yeah, but what sort of whale?"
And they just go, "Fuck off."
And I'm fine with whatever whale
I like all whales
Except I just didn′t want to be
A sperm whale
I fucking hate those guys
Stupid fucking idiots
Like, "Buh, buh."
Like, what the fuck?
Where's the rest of your jaw mate?
"Buh, buh."
Fucking cum skulls
We all have our biases
I also wanted to know why I was a beached whale
Because I wanted to understand my motivation
"But why am I a beached whale?"
And they′re like
"Because you're not in the water!"
Yeah, but I'm also not a whale
We are employing imagination here
We don′t really know why
Whales are beaching themselves
But I think it′s time we accepted
That it's our fault
Like, I think we′re making it
Very noisy in the shipping lanes
They're very filled up with plastic, microplastics
And it′s getting a bit warm
I reckon whales are beaching themselves
In a last-ditch effort to evolve
Do you know?
They're just riding up
And they′re just going
"Oh, this is unsustainable."
And just riding up onto the sand, just going
"Oh, fuck legs. Oh, come on. Fuck. Fuck."
And the seals are just sitting there watching them going
"Oh, no, mate. No, it takes ages. You're fucked."
Anyway I digress
Butch lesbian, that's how I identified
Once I had a mind of my own
And that shoe didn′t exactly fit, but it was comfortable
And it remains comfortable
Very happy to say I′m a butch lesbian
Being butch, you know, has given me community and safety in my life
Very happy to call myself butch
Except that I'm not butch
I′m autistic
And to be fair, that's a very dense Venn diagram
Someone should science that
I think it′s something like
Seven out of ten autistic mice
Wear flannel
I don't know how science works
But I′m not butch
Like, I've got a lot of tools in my shed
But if you look closely
They're not well used
They′re just neat
And I go to the hardware store to buy screws
But they may as well be buttons
I′m just collecting shapes
So I'm not butch
I′ve always understood myself to be
A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B
Even before there was a broader conversation about gender
I understood that I existed
In this liminal space
Between the two established genders
So there is an argument to be made that
I could identify as non-binary
I just don't want to
It′s just so negative
Where's the fun?
The first two letters, it′s over
How do you identify?
No!
You can go too far the other way
Gender fluid
Absolutely not
I cannot identify as wet all of the time
You can call me "Ish-Male"
You can rest assured
This is definitely the best place for that joke
That does not go off in the regional markets
I think Crayola Caddy got it right for me
The crayons?
The original Crayola Caddy, to be specific
Because if you take all the crayons
Out of said Caddy
And line them all up in a neat row
In colour spectrum order
From warm colours to cool colours
And you would!
You would
You would if you're like me and not butch
You would
The crayon that sits in the nexus of blue and green
The crayon that if you remove from context
Nobody will agree
If it is blue or green
That crayon could conceivably help you
Colour in the ocean
It could conceivably help you
Colour in a tree
But ultimately it's pretty shit at both jobs
That crayon is called
Maximum Blue Green
And that′s how I identify
Mostly because it′s been discontinued
And I kind of feel like I've been discontinued
Nobody′s growing up in the 80s anymore
And also, I do feel like the further I move
Into this new life of mine
The more aware I am that
My life is incredibly privileged and eccentric
Which begs the question
Is there any worth?
Is there any worth
In me telling my life story anymore?
You know, like I'm not particularly relatable anymore
You have to ask, who is this for?
And some would argue contractually
Netflix
But that′s where my public and private anxieties collide
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