Panic Pivot Songtext
von Hannah Gadsby
Panic Pivot Songtext
I had an abortion
Back in the day
Absolutely, I did
Because I love closure
(Woof!)
Look I just need you to know
This is a very different show
Than the one I had planned for you
I′d been working on a very different show
For about 8 months
And then a week before opening night
I just thought
Nah, I'm not gonna do that
I′m going to do this one
8 months
That's late term
But it wasn't viable
It′s the right decision
This is definitely the better show
But I should say that also given that the theme
Of the show
Is I think I am losing my mind
Do we really want to trust my judgement on that?
I′m inclined to say no
You see, what happened a week before opening night
I had a panic attack
And that's when I made my decision
I don′t know if you've ever had a panic attack
Not a great time for decisions
And it was a real doozy too
It was a proper one
I vibrated myself into a faux cardiac arrest
And even as it was happening
I′m like
Yeah, I'm gonna talk about this on stage
Yeah, that seems healthy
And look, I don′t know if it is healthy
But it wasn't lost on me
The last time
I had a significant
Mental health episode
Whilst working on a new show
I wrote Nanette
Don't cla-
No. No. Don′t clap
Listen to what I just said
A significant mental health episode
*clapping impression*
We are across, when I say Nanette
Are we broadly across that?
Because my publicist is of the opinion
That everyone has moved on
But my gynecologist called me Nanette the other day
So I′m like I dunno, I dunno
It was a show that dropped on Netflix about 6 years ago
You know, a few jokes up the top, then things went a bit south
I kicked off a bit. Ended on a sour note. Bit of trauma
People loved it
But this is not Nanette, to be clear
You're gonna be fine
You′re gonna be OK!
*singular laugh in the audience*
There it is
I'm vibing on a very different
Flavor of dissonance these days
This is anxiety. Not trauma
Trauma′s very heavy
This is very surface level
Right? You know, anxiety
Chatty chatty crinkle brain
We're gonna be OK!
Now
I had my panic attack
In the worst possible place
An AirBnB
Hands down
The worst place
To have a panic attack
Because what you don′t need
When you are being attacked
By panic
Is to be told to Live, Laugh, Love
By a throw cushion
If you own an AirBnB you should know
There is a rental crisis going on right now
But you should also know
Also you should know that you can
You can have too many buddhas
Another thing that pushed me over the edge
In the AirBnB
Was the plastic plants
Mmmk
Plastic plants, though
Why?
Plastic plants
Like, plants. Made out of plastic
What have we done?
Like oxygen is a vibe
Plastic Plants
Guys?
Think about it
Plastic plants
Like plastic
In the shape of plants
Why?
Plastic plants
Guys?
Plastic plants
I don't know how else to say it
Plastic plants
Plastic plants
Think about it
Plastic plants
Plastic
I'm just going to keep repeating it
Until I sense a consensus
Plastic Plants!
The plant, where they make plastic plants
Kills a lot of plants
What are we doing?
3-400 years ago the English
Decimated their native woodlands
Without recovery
They′re gone
They decimated them
So they could build their boats
So they could colonize the world
So what?
We can have eternal global conflict
And plastic fucking plants?
Live laugh fuck cunt, I say
I forget you don′t like that word here
We'll have guns and greed
But no c-word
Fucking puritans, honestly
I don′t know if you know this
But Australia has a very different colonizating history to you
It's unclear
Sometimes it′s unclear
If you even know there's a world
But it′s ok
It's ok
You do have enough on your plate right now
But we had a very different colonizing history
Same result
Flesh lights and
Plastic plants
We're a doomsday cult
But very different beginnings
Australia was a convict colony
Essentially a jail
My people were pushed off on boats
And go, ′Might see ya later, hopefully not′
We were the scum of the earth
We were supposed to die
Your fellas
Honestly believed they were spearheading G-d's actual plan
Listen to yourselves
You oughta be more embarrassed by your founding fathers
Have some humility
You didn′t laugh
But I need you to know everywhere else in the world
Thinks that hilarious
Back in the day
Absolutely, I did
Because I love closure
(Woof!)
Look I just need you to know
This is a very different show
Than the one I had planned for you
I′d been working on a very different show
For about 8 months
And then a week before opening night
I just thought
Nah, I'm not gonna do that
I′m going to do this one
8 months
That's late term
But it wasn't viable
It′s the right decision
This is definitely the better show
But I should say that also given that the theme
Of the show
Is I think I am losing my mind
Do we really want to trust my judgement on that?
I′m inclined to say no
You see, what happened a week before opening night
I had a panic attack
And that's when I made my decision
I don′t know if you've ever had a panic attack
Not a great time for decisions
And it was a real doozy too
It was a proper one
I vibrated myself into a faux cardiac arrest
And even as it was happening
I′m like
Yeah, I'm gonna talk about this on stage
Yeah, that seems healthy
And look, I don′t know if it is healthy
But it wasn't lost on me
The last time
I had a significant
Mental health episode
Whilst working on a new show
I wrote Nanette
Don't cla-
No. No. Don′t clap
Listen to what I just said
A significant mental health episode
*clapping impression*
We are across, when I say Nanette
Are we broadly across that?
Because my publicist is of the opinion
That everyone has moved on
But my gynecologist called me Nanette the other day
So I′m like I dunno, I dunno
It was a show that dropped on Netflix about 6 years ago
You know, a few jokes up the top, then things went a bit south
I kicked off a bit. Ended on a sour note. Bit of trauma
People loved it
But this is not Nanette, to be clear
You're gonna be fine
You′re gonna be OK!
*singular laugh in the audience*
There it is
I'm vibing on a very different
Flavor of dissonance these days
This is anxiety. Not trauma
Trauma′s very heavy
This is very surface level
Right? You know, anxiety
Chatty chatty crinkle brain
We're gonna be OK!
Now
I had my panic attack
In the worst possible place
An AirBnB
Hands down
The worst place
To have a panic attack
Because what you don′t need
When you are being attacked
By panic
Is to be told to Live, Laugh, Love
By a throw cushion
If you own an AirBnB you should know
There is a rental crisis going on right now
But you should also know
Also you should know that you can
You can have too many buddhas
Another thing that pushed me over the edge
In the AirBnB
Was the plastic plants
Mmmk
Plastic plants, though
Why?
Plastic plants
Like, plants. Made out of plastic
What have we done?
Like oxygen is a vibe
Plastic Plants
Guys?
Think about it
Plastic plants
Like plastic
In the shape of plants
Why?
Plastic plants
Guys?
Plastic plants
I don't know how else to say it
Plastic plants
Plastic plants
Think about it
Plastic plants
Plastic
I'm just going to keep repeating it
Until I sense a consensus
Plastic Plants!
The plant, where they make plastic plants
Kills a lot of plants
What are we doing?
3-400 years ago the English
Decimated their native woodlands
Without recovery
They′re gone
They decimated them
So they could build their boats
So they could colonize the world
So what?
We can have eternal global conflict
And plastic fucking plants?
Live laugh fuck cunt, I say
I forget you don′t like that word here
We'll have guns and greed
But no c-word
Fucking puritans, honestly
I don′t know if you know this
But Australia has a very different colonizating history to you
It's unclear
Sometimes it′s unclear
If you even know there's a world
But it′s ok
It's ok
You do have enough on your plate right now
But we had a very different colonizing history
Same result
Flesh lights and
Plastic plants
We're a doomsday cult
But very different beginnings
Australia was a convict colony
Essentially a jail
My people were pushed off on boats
And go, ′Might see ya later, hopefully not′
We were the scum of the earth
We were supposed to die
Your fellas
Honestly believed they were spearheading G-d's actual plan
Listen to yourselves
You oughta be more embarrassed by your founding fathers
Have some humility
You didn′t laugh
But I need you to know everywhere else in the world
Thinks that hilarious
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