Monkeypox/Osama/Bird Flu Songtext
von Greg Giraldo

It′s always something new to worry about
Every day there's a new one, bird flu, the monkeypox, the mad cow, the turtle cooties
Stay out, don′t go outside, there's no ozone layer
If you go outside, you'll be fried to a crisp
Don′t go inside, there′s mold, you can't stay inside either
Watch out for ticks, there′s ticks on the deer
The Lyme disease, it'll fucking kill you
Get away from, you know what?
It′s literally like you just got to wrap yourself in cellophane

And bury yourself in a hole in the yard
And just hope for the best
Mad cow, bird flu, the bird flu, the monkeypox
A while back, there was an outbreak of the monkeypox in the Midwest
Monkeypox, when I heard you can get a disease
There was an outbreak of the monkeypox
It was people were playing with their prairie dogs
And getting the monkeypox
When I first heard you can get a disease


From playing with your prairie dog
I thought, well, shit, that's a weird euphemism
You know, I thought, I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases
But, people in the Midwest were getting the monkeypox from playing with their prairie dogs
And by the way the Center for Disease Control swooped in, and stopped the whole thing
Within no time, they figured the whole thing out
They′re like, well, this prairie dog
Had shared a cage with an African rat from Namibia, and you can see from the bill of lading
That it came from a part of Namibia, where the monkeypox is rampant

So they came in, they quarantined everybody, that ever came into contact with these things
Within like two or three weeks, they stopped what could've been a serious epidemic
Well, where's Osama bin Laden? Where the hell is he? We can′t find him
We can′t find him, but we can find a gopher with the sniffles and a terrarium
In Madison, Wisconsin, do you even remember bin Laden?
Wasn't he important? Where are we supposed to be looking for Osama bin Laden?
He′s public enemy number one, we gotta get Bin Laden
And then the new season of American Idol comes on
And we're like, oh, fuck it, I don′t even want to think about it

We're supposed to democratize the entire Middle East
Rebuild whole countries from scratch
We can′t find one dude, we can't find one eight-foot-tall terrorist
With kidney failure, he's tethered to a goddamn
Dialysis machine, for Christ′s sake
He somehow drags that around from recording session, to recording session
That′s got to leave some sort of trail in the sand
Wouldn't you think, that we could-, I mean, it′s not like he's keeping a low profile
He′s got a, dude, every time you think he's gone forever


He cranks out another shitty recording, he′s like Madonna, for Christ's sake
The fucker doesn't seem to want to go away
Mad cow, the monkeypox, the, the bird flu
The bird flu, even that story, watch out for the bird flu, It′s coming, it′s going to kill you
It's going to kill a hundred trillion people, It′s going to kill everyone
It's going to be a huge worldwide epidemic, that′s like epidemic, but worse
There's a P at the front, it, it′s a pandemic, It's going to kill everyone, even the pandas
Even adorable little pandas are going to get it
Everyone's gonna die from this pandemic of bird flu
Everyone will be dead
Back to gym with sports, it′s this giant story, and then it just goes away

The bird flu spread to Romania now, it′s in Romania
But it hasn't affected any Romanian people
Because apparently the virus can′t penetrate shitty cologne and polyester sweatsuits
It could mutate, that's the fear, the bird flu, you know how they know these viruses spread?
They find dead birds somewhere, they found a dead bird in Romania
They figure out the virus is there
Who′s finding these dead birds all over the world?
When I was a kid, we used to find dead birds all the time, we didn't take them in for autopsies
We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid
That, that′s what we did, that's what we did as kids

Kids are cruel, we didn't even know what gay was yet
We just knew he ran like a girl when he threw dead shit at him
So we did it over and over again, You know? We tortured these little fuckers
For choosing a decadent lifestyle
That′s what people think these guys are choosing

You think this six-year-old kid was choosing to run like a girl?
He was choosing to have birds smushed in his face
Because he knew that one day he′d get to wear assless chaps
On a papier-mâché penis float?
I mean, you know, pretty much