Star Wars Songtext
von Derrick Jensen

So, I don′t know if you know this, but the original draft of the movie
Star Wars was not written by Lucas and company. The original draft
Was written by environmentalists, and I happen to have a rare first
Draft of that screenplay on my person. And is there anybody in here
Who does not know the plot of the movie Star Wars? Holy crap. That's
A lot. You know, usually when I ask this question it′s like one
Person raises their hand. I think that's really cool, actually
That's like thirty people raised their hands. Okay, so for those of

You who don′t know the plot, here′s the plot of Star Wars in a

Nutshell. And the movie came out in 1977, and I saw it when I was in

High school, which is the perfect time to see that movie. Because I

Went to see it and I told all my friends, "Oh man, the acting is so

Good." And I thought it was a great movie. I didn't, I mean I wasn′t

One of those nerds who saw it, you know, a thousand times or anything

. Well for one thing, I'm not a nerd, and for another thing, I was

I was way too busy playing Dungeons & Dragons. But anyway, the basic

Plot is that the Empire has constructed this giant machine that is

Capable of destroying entire planets, called the Death Star. And it′s


Capable of destroying entire planets, and that's a wonderful metaphor
For the dominant culture, of course. This machine is destroying
Planets, or a planet in this case. So what happens in the movie is
That the rebels figure out a way to blow up the Death Star. So then
Luke Skywalker uses the Force to get past all the TIE fighters, and
Then to drop a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port. I guess maybe I
Am kind of a nerd. Anyway, so he finds a way to get past all the TIE
Fighters and drop a torpedo down the thermal exhaust port, and blow
Up the whole Death Star. And that′s pretty much, I've ruined the
Movie for you. But you should still watch it for the acting. And

Anyway, so the movie that the, the way that the environmentalists

Wrote it was actually a bit different. For one thing, they didn't

Call it Star Wars. They called it instead Star Nonviolent Civil

Disobedience. And another difference is in this version, they didn′t

They didn′t actually blow up the Death Star. Instead, the way that

They wanted to stop the Empire was they set up programs for people on

Planets about to be destroyed to produce luxury items like hemp hacky

Sacks and gourmet coffee for sale to inhabitants of the Death Star

Audience members will also discover that there are plans afoot to

Encourage loads of troopers and other citizens of the Empire to take

Eco tours of doomed planets. The purpose will be to show to one and

All that these planets are economically important to the Empire and

So should not be destroyed. In a surprise move that will get viewers

To the edges of their seats, other groups of rebels file lawsuits

Against the Empire, attempting to show that the environmental impact

Statement that Darth Vader was required to file failed to adequately

Support his decision that blowing up the planet would cause no

Significant impact. Viewers will thrill to learn of plans to boycott

Items produced by corporations that have Darth Vader on the board of


Directors. And they will leap to their feet in theaters worldwide

When they see bags full of letters written directly to Mr. Vader

Himself, asking that he please not blow up any more planets

Scribbled in the margin is a note from one of the screenwriters: "

For accuracy's sake, when we show examples of these letters, it′s
Imperative that all letters to Mr. Vader be respectful and courteous
But they stress the need to find cooperative solutions to the
Differences between the Rebels and the Empire. Under no circumstances
Should the letters be such that they would alienate or anger Mr
Vader. If the letters upset Mr. Vader, the Rebels' letter campaign to
The Grand Moff Tarkin will certainly fail as well." Other plans
Include sending petitions and filing lawsuits. Now, we all know that
All that would be sufficient not only to bring the Empire to its
Knees, but to make a damn fine and exciting movie. The thing is

There′s more. Thousands of renegade rebels, unhappy with what they

Perceive as toadying on the part of the mainstream rebels, decide in

A scene guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-

Hearted theatergoers to stand on the planets about to be destroyed

Link arms, and sing Give Peace a Chance. They send DVDs of that to

Darth Vader and his boss the Grand Moff Tarkin, to whom they also

Send wave after wave of lovingkindness. A few of the rebels sneak

Aboard the Death Star and they lock themselves down to various pieces

Of equipment. And stirring debates are held onscreen among these

Rebels as to whether they should voluntarily surrender on approach

Of the troopers, or whether they should remain locked down to the

End. And in a brilliant and brave touch of authenticity, the rebels

Are never able to come to consensus. But there's more. Once inside

The Death Star, a splinter group breaks off from those about to lock

Themselves down, and they rush down these long hallways, and they
Somehow avoid all the troopers, and they burn a couple of transports
And they use chemicals to etch Galaxy Liberation from the walls of
The Death Star. And then there′s another group that breaks off from
Them, and they sneak down more hallways, they get past more troopers
And finally they make it all the way to Darth Vader's private room
And he's there by himself. They sneak up behind him, and then they
Hit him with a vegan cream pie. The producers decided to cut that
Scene though, because it was far too close to, to something that was
Happening in another movie they were developing at the same time

Which is, which was called The Plot to Pie Hitler. Near the end of

The movie there′s another debate that′s held among the rebels, and

That was actually a problem I had with the environmentalist

Screenplay, is that there was a bit too much debate and not quite

Enough action. As the Death Star looms directly overhead, a few of

The rebels advocate picking up weapons to fight back. And those

Rebels are generally shouted down by the pacifist rebels, who argue

That attacking those who run the Death Star is just another example

Of the Empire's harmful philosophy coming in by the back door. They

State that the rebels who want to fight back are simply being co-

Opted by the need to control things. "If we want to change Darth

Vader," they say, "we must first become that change ourselves. To

Change Darth Vader′s heart, we must first change our own. We must

Above all else have compassion for Darth Vader, and remember that he

Too was once a child." One writer put in the margins, "Excellent

That will be sure to moisten the cheeks of sensitive people
Everywhere." And he didn't mention whether those tears would be of
Frustration. Finally, Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of
Robots show up and tell the others they found a way to blow up the
Whole Death Star. And the rest of the rebels of course are just
Horrified. In the exciting final scene of the environmentalist
Version, a scuffle breaks out between Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca
On one side and the pacifists on the other. And the pacifists chase
Those four from the room and from the film, which is not a big deal
Because they′re minor characters anyway. Anyway, so then what

Happens, the way the movie ends, is that the Death Star looms closer

And closer, and audience members just chew their fingernails as

They wait to see whether the letters and petitions and lawsuits

Work their magic. Viewers see lasers inside the Death Star warm up

To destroy the planet. So you see the planet, then you see the

Death Star, and you see the planet and the Death Star, and you see
The lasers glow this hellish red. And then you see the planet again
And then you see there's this little streak of light. And what that
Is is that′s the environmentalists getting away before the planet's
Blown up. And then, and then of course you see the planet get blown
Up. And then the very final shot of the movie, which shows what
A complete triumph this was for the Rebels, is a still showing an
Article on the lower left of page 43 of the New Empire Times that
Devotes a full three sentences to the destruction of the planet
So it's like, yeah, we got some press! That′s the end of the story