Fictitious Disorder Songtext
von Daniel Tosh

Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Tosh (woo, whoa)
Ah, thank you, thank you
Ah, the OC, Woo! Nice
Where everyone′s rich and white
The way God intended (ha-ha-ha)
Ah, feels good

Don't you love living in Southern California?
And people from Omaha come here
They say things like, "Ah, this place is great, but
Uh, I like seasons, I couldn′t live there, I love seasons too much"

So do I
That's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones (ha-ha-ha, woo!)
Your city blows!
Ha-ha-ha


Life is what you make it
Make it good, I have a good life
My friends think it's so much better
Than it really is, why?
Because I make it better
Wanna know where I′m working next week?
Hmm? Hawaii
How′s that feel, Irvine? (Ha-ha-ha)
Enjoy your mall (ha-ha-ha, woo!)

I'm not in Hawaii next week
I′m in Milwaukee, but in my mind
I'm going to Hawaii, life is what you make it
Any time you′re going someplace in your life that you don't wanna go
Pretend you′re going to Hawaii
It's a lot cheaper
Put on your flowered shirt run in there
Be like, "Aloha everybody, I'm here!" They′re gonna think you need a helmet who cares?

You′re in the Aloha State
Number 50, the one that balanced out our flag
That's why we took it

I even took my girlfriend last week to Rome (yay)
Yeah, The whole time she′s like
"This looks like Birmingham, Alabama"
I'm like, "Shut up, Anna Kournikova"
She′s like, "Quit calling me Anna Kournikova!"
I'm like, "No one talks to the Rock like that, bitch!"


Which is funny because I don′t even have a girlfriend
Huh-huh, that was just some lady on the bus
She didn't smell what I was cooking
Now, she has a knot on the forehead
By the people's elbow
You get the joke, Carnegie Hall?

You wanna make your life better with zero work on your part?
Start lying
About everything in your life
There′s no reason to ever tell the truth
My friend says, "Hey, can you pick
Me up from the airport?"
I′m like, "Yeah, I'd love to"
But I don′t show up, I don't give a shit

What′s he gonna, stop being my friend over that?
Then he wasn't a friend to begin with
"Where were you? I waited three hours"
"You′re a fool
Should've got a cab in about 30 minutes
That's what grown-ups do
Thanks for trying to inconvenience my day though

Couldn′t pick you up anyway
Ran into a group of witches
You know how witches are
They′re like, "Let's get to the forest"
Anyway, I′m in the forest
Making a batch of poison apples
Chit-chatting about chicken soup
For the alcoholic soul
Lost track of time, sorry

"You're a liar" Really?
Then next week I invite him and his girlfriend over to my house
Then I offer his girlfriend an apple
And he′s like, "Whoa, don't eat that apple"
You′ll never believe this story
You remember last week when he left me at the airport?

Turns out he knows witches
And they made poison apples
And the whole time I Just stand behind him
And I'm like, "Ooh"
And then I can fuck his girlfriend
Yeah, oh, hmm
It's a true story that I made up