Eggplant Songtext
von Daniel Tosh

Life is about perspective
I see a handicapped person, I don′t feel sorry for him
I'm like, "Hey, it′s like being employee of the month
For the rest of your life"
That's half full
And pretty sweet parking spot, how'd you get it?
He′s like bullet in the spine
I′m like, "Worth it, low five, roll it in"
You don't go high five unless you have a hill and a ramp
Then get a camera


That′s gonna be pretty exciting to watch
You can laugh at this joke handicapped, people like it
And if they don't like it, turn their chair around
I don′t give a shit
Stare at you, depressing us?
You don't hear a lot about the charity work I do
And it′s because I don't do any
You know what's better than tax write offs?
Keeping your money
That′s just a fun joke to tell rich people

It′s not true, I work with Make-A-Wish all the time
That's an incredible experience
Not for me, not for the kids that are dying
Yeah, they chose to hang out with me
They knew what kind of jokes I told
They were okay with it
I don′t pander on stage
And I sure don't pander off stage
And I′m telling you honestly
These dying kids have the best sense of humor
On this planet


Their parents, not so much
But I don't care
As soon as I meet them, I start giving it to them
I′m like, "Are you sure you're dying?
You know this is my weekend, right?"
And they're like, "I′m dying"
I′m like, "All right, let's go
Don′t cough on me, motherfucker"
They wanna be teased like anybody else
They can handle it, trust me, they've handled worse

This kid I was hanging out with last year, Bunch was 17
I′m like, "This is awesome that you're dying now
You got this in right under the wire
If you don′t know the organisation is 18 and under
So if you're dying of cancer at 19"
They're like, I hope your dreams are cheap
If you′re laughing right now, it′s because you're a good person
And you realize how absurd that statement is
To think that they draw a hard line
But it′s funny to think they might be holding their doors shut

But you can't get in, kid, you′re too old
And they don't even have to hold tight
Because the kids are so weak
Because the disease is winning
Don′t feel bad for this kid
The first thing he said when he met me was
He told me I was his third choice
And to this day, I don't know if he fucking was kidding or not
That's not cool
I′m healthy

I′m gonna live a long time
I don't need that noodling around up there
And if it makes you feel better at laughing at these jokes
Know that he is cured and healthy now
He′s not, he's dead
But if some people need that, let them have it, right?
Oh, he′s okay? Oh, good
Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
You know me, I can't accept life
That′s a perfect gauge

For if we would ever hang out in a social setting
Know that if you've ever said any form of this statement
We would not
Uh, there's nothing funny about blank
Any form of that know that I hate you to your core
Because I along with some of you respectfully disagree
You can accept that things are tragic and awful
And still have a sense of humor about them
It doesn′t make you a bad person
Despite what some blog may say

Oh, there′s nothing funny about AIDS
There's nothing funny about rape
Yes, there is
If you write a good joke, there′s funny things about it
And some of you maybe aware, I took a ton of bad press
For making that statement verbatim
And then a woman screamed at me
"There is nothing funny about rape
And I've never defended myself publicly
Despite misquotes

Mainly because I′m rich"

I'm like, "Fuck it, and I make my living saying shocking things"
There are consequences, I can accept that
And people wrote me horrible stuff
Like, "Hope your daughter gets raped one day
And we′ll see how funny you think it is"
First of all she'd have to survive the abortion
Talk about two strikes against a kid, huh?
Yeah, I appreciate your well wishes, kind soul
It's a joke, and it′s my choice to have it
Yeah, this is where the feminists to use are torn

Because we′re on the same side on most issues
Abortion? Over here, you have a lifetime of stress
And inevitable disappointment
And over here, you have freedom
Well, how much does freedom cost?
A couple night sleep and around 750 dollars
Seems extremely reasonable
If nobody is looking I'll take freedom
But they have fingernails at 14 days
Yeah, and I clipped them

I′m pretty sure Dyson makes an attachment
"Guys, it's a great product that never loses suction
Due to the engineering"
Now, in the interest of full disclosure
I′m sponsored by Dyson
I get a couple thousand bucks for the plug
They're like, "Is there any place in your act
Where you could fit in our product?"
I′m like, "I've got the perfect home for it"
Quick question

"What's your company′s stance on fetuses?"
"We fucking hate them"
All right let′s move some units
I don't know what show you thought you bought tickets to
But I assure you, this one′s not getting softer
There's nothing funny about cancer
All right
If you haven′t been affected in some way or another
By cancer at this point of your life
And haven't developed a sense of humor about it

You′re the crazy person
I saw a campaign in Phoenix, where it says
"The first thing you should do if you find out you have cancer
Is get a second opinion," oh, really?
The first thing
And I was gonna cry for a bit, but all right
Let's make another doctor's appointment
With somebody that probably can′t see me for a few weeks
That has to be a fun time
Just sitting around your house

Praying to God, your first doctor is an incompetent pile of shit
And you finally see him, and he′s like
"Yeah-yeah, she was spot on
You should've been getting this treated
You have cancer"
What if he says, "You don′t have cancer"
Was is it two out of three?
When can I get some sympathy strange?
That's what I′m looking for
There's nothing funny about child molestation

All right, then don′t hang out with me
Yeah, because if you tell me a funny joke
About a priest diddling a boy
I'm not gonna be like, "What is wrong with you?
Don't you know how serious that issue is?"
I′m gonna laugh, because I′m not 11 or Catholic
I don't give a fuck
I can separate between reality and jokes
Who in here has one point in a life hasn′t laughed at a Michael Jackson paedophile joke?
You see if you laugh at this one

Did you know last year dead Michael Jackson made one hundred and eighty million dollars?
Thanks to his new show in Vegas which is amazing
If you get a chance to see it, there's a hologram of Michael
It sings and dances the hits
And for an extra five hundred a pop
You can go backstage and watch him
Try to ghost fuck your kid
You′re laughing at paedophilia, look at that
And you can't be offended by the joke
Because ghost fucking is not real

But I′m sure there's one dingbat in here
"Yes, it is, I had a friend
That was molested by a spirit
Hashtag Ghost Fucking Israel"
I'll laugh at the real thing from time to time
How about when Sandusky was asked point-blank
On national television, if he′s sexually attracted to boys
And he waited around 16 seconds to reply

And I quote
"If you don′t think I was at home pissing myself"
Like, "Did he just waffle on that softball question?"
Ask me if I'm sexually attracted to kids
I′m not
That's how long you should wait to answer that question
You don′t mull it over for a bit
You certainly don't eyeball your lawyer
I wonder how he wants me to answer this one
You come out swinging in a hurry

Or you deserve to burn in Hell
He said the only thing he′s ever been guilty of
Is, he liked to put his hand on boys legs
And I've heard enough
On that alone, you should be in jail forever
You wanna hug your son longer than three seconds
You should be in jail forever
Yeah, my dad didn't hug me very much
He wasn′t the best father

But he didn′t fuck children, and I'll take it
I don′t believe he has
That's my biggest fear in life
That I do that joke, and people are cheering
And there′s one guy in here
"He fucked me"
And I'm like, "I am sorry"
I am 99.8 percent positive he hasn′t
He hasn't heard this joke yet
Now my gut instinct is he's not going to like it

But if he gets too upset, I′ll be like
"What are you hiding?"