Karate Class Songtext
von Dan Levy

That′s the thing, like I can talk to like anyone. I'm not scared to
Talk to anyone, but I′m scared, like, physically of people. You know
Like, I've never even been in a physical, like, you know, like I've
Never been in a fight. You can tell because this is like, you know
Like a little push and hook move, you know? ′Cause I′m passive

Aggressive. I tried for a while to change it up and become
Aggressively passive, you know? Before I was married, I had a
Roommate, you know. And he like, once again, like, left his dishes
In the sink. So I didn't say anything about it for a little while
And then I, uh, fucked his girlfriend, so uh, aggressively passive
Spread the word. But I knew I had, I, you know, I knew I had to
Change this up, you know, ′cause I'm always scared of people. So I

Started taking Kenpo Karate a few months ago. Is anyone here a black


Belt? Okay, I′ll protect you all, don't worry about it. But I started
Taking Kenpo Karate and it was, I realized that with karate, you are
Simply defending yourself with hilarity. That is it. Like, this was
A move I learned, okay? It was this, "Eh!" And that noise, that was
What they said. It was up, down, "Eh!" And he said that, okay? The
Noise, for real, is supposed to scare off someone, okay? So you go
"Eh!" And they′re like, "Oh, don't fuck with Dan, he's a balloon
Animal. We don′t know what the hell could happen with him." Wow, the
First rule of street fight, you never mess with anyone who squeaks
That′s, that's how it works. But I took this class, the first day

Okay, Sensei Wes is like, "We′re gonna learn how to take a gun away

From someone when he's holding it up to you at gunpoint." And I was

Like, "I can′t even win a fight over china, how do you think I'm

Gonna flip the switch in a gun battle, okay?" He′s like, "What you do

When the gun is pointed at you, you flick their wrist, you go
Backwards, and if the gun falls to the ground and goes off and shoots
The guy in his face, not your problem." Not my problem? Clearly you
Don't know me very well, Sensei Wes, okay? 'Cause if I see a man
Blow his face off in front of me, it′s definitely gonna be my
Problem, okay? My problem, my wife′s problem, my dream journal's
Problem, my dry cleaner′s problem. I can't imagine, like, waking up
In the middle of the night being like, "Oh my god, I just thought
About the time where I watched a man blow his brains off in front
Of me!" Not my problem, go back to bed, Dan, everything′s fine. '

Cause let′s, let's be honest, okay guys? If, if a man holds a gun to


My head, what I do is I immediately start crying, like bawling
Okay? I start crying and pissing, hard. Like hard piss, soft cries
Hard piss, soft cries. It's like the master cleanse, okay? And then
At that point, then I just kinda like faint, probably, you know?
And then while I′m fainting, I just scream out my social security
Number, you know? It′s like, "Take it, 0419..." You know, I say it
I just give it to 'em, you know? And then if that doesn′t work, then
You know, I blow the guy, I guess. That's kind of what... Look
I know, okay? I know that that will stop the criminal act, but I′m
Also aware that's not the best way to get your orange belt, okay? So

That′s why they don't teach it at the dojo. Welcome to Dan Levy
Fighting school, okay? Here's what happens. Gun points
At you, you cry. You bawl, you cry hard, then you piss
Harder. Then you pass out, scream out your social
And blow the guy. Thank you, that′ll be 3,000 dollars