Weirdest Spanking - Songtext
von Dan Cummins

Not some crazy disciplinarian though either
My son Kyler, he′s 13
He's only gotten one spanking during his entire childhood
And I didn′t even want to give him that one
It was the weirdest spanking I've ever been a part of
I've been a part of some pretty weird spankings
This was very different
He was just never the kid that needed a spanking

You know, especially, he was seven when this happened
And he was real, you know, kind of a people pleaser
You know, easy to redirect, firm voice, he would tear up
But this one day, I think he had seen
His sister, Monroe, get a few spankings
And I think he wanted the street cred of having had one
Like he was gunning for it real specifically, it was weird


He was climbing on this door jamb
And I just wanted him to get off of the door jamb
Right before he hurt himself
I was like, come on, buddy, let′s get down
That′s not what that's for
You′re gonna hurt yourself, no
He was never the no kid
I'm like, what do you mean no?

Dude, just get off before you hurt yourself
Or what? You gonna give me a spanking?
I just remember thinking that was weird
For you to toss out
Like, I hadn′t even considered a spanking
As a punishment option up until that moment

But once he says that, I have to say yes
Otherwise, he's taking all my power
So I was like, yeah, okay
I guess I would give you a spanking

But I would rather not
So how about you just get off of the door jamb?
Not getting off the door jamb until I get a spanking

The whole thing took on this tone of suicide by cop
He′s trying to force my hand
I was like, dude, just get off the door jamb
Or I will give you a spanking, last chance
He won't get off, so I have to physically remove him
From the door jamb, and he doesn't fight back


Near as much as I was hoping for
Just made the whole thing that much creepier
But I felt like I was pot committed
I put him over my knee
I give him two swats

After the second swat, he turns, looks right at me
And he goes, I think you′re supposed to do it
Harder than that
And I′ve never spanked him since
I was like, get out of here, you little creep
In your room, you weirdo

Then I sat there on the couch thinking
What was that all about?
I was thinking, that would be a genius kid move
If you could convince your parents
That you enjoyed punishment
I don't have the parental skills
To navigate something like that

That′d be so irritating
You'd be like, hey, dude, pick your stuff up
Hey, buddy
I′m tired of you leaving messes around the house
Right, I'm not your maid
Pick your stuff up right now
Or you′re grounded for a week

I think that, you know, I would like a staycation
I appreciate that
I could spend time with the family
I don't have to be rude to my friends
Thank you very much, father
That's very nice

What?
No, it′s not a vacation of some kind
There′s gonna be a punishment
There's gonna be no TV, no video games, no cell phone
You know, I haven′t had the strength to unplug myself
That's a generous offer, father
Thank you

Stop calling it an offer
It′s a punishment
You're gonna be in bed the whole week
Does that sound fun?
Honestly, I′ve been exhausted from the video games
Well, now you gotta move around the whole week
Always moving
Does that sound fun?

I could just treat it like a workout challenge
I could do push-ups and squats
Maybe I could get strong enough to beat your ass
By the end of the week
No, I will beat your ass at the end of the week

Ooh, hi, Pappy
Hit me like you love me, daddy
I'll pick it up, just stay away from me