The Ballad of Percy and Nancy Songtext
von Dame Fawn Denier

Sally Wild is a cleaner
At a popular Yorkshire
Bar and hostelry
Her toilets won awards
From various tourist boards
With people even coming from
The Norfolk Broads
But in the recent past
Sal′s been increasingly aghast
At the state her lavatories are left in
So her manager said
"Fine, put up a strongly worded sign
And see if it makes you less grim"
So the sign said


Please point Percy at the porcelain properly
I'm peeved by the puddles you create
Your name′s not Jake the Peg
You don't have an extra leg
Don't be in such a hurry
′Cause your beer will wait
Stand a bit nearer
Percy′s not as big as you think
Especially when you've had a bit to drink
Please point Percy at the porcelain boys
And don′t wash him after in my sink!

Now it isn't just the gents
That causes Sally offence
The ladies do it too
The things they leave behind
Are just what you might find
At the back of a butcher′s or on CSI
To promote equality and
Maintain good quality
She asked if a note
Could also be displayed
"Ok then if you must
I guess it's only just
Anything to make you less dismayed"
So the sign said


Please park Nancy on the loo seat properly
I′m peeved by the puddles you create
It's much less bother
If you don't hover
Don′t be in such a hurry
′Cause your gin will wait
The Cathedral hygiene bin
Is not for worshiping
Please use it for your sanitary things
Please park Nancy on the loo seat girls
And don't wash her after in my sink

Just when you thought that must be it
In walked a little git
With a Biro and a pad
"I′m afraid I have an issue
It's not with your toilet tissue
But something on the walls
In the lasses′ and lads'
What if someone non-binary
Arrives in all their finery?
It would be rude to preclude"
"Oh flippin ′eck
I'd better go and check and
Alter the words we have used"
So the signs say

Please position your perfect
Personal piddling and pooping
Particulars towards the pan
And the porcelain properly
I'm peeved with the puddles you create
Be it Percy or Nancy
Or whatever takes your fancy
Don′t be in such a hurry
′Cause your drink will wait
My WC's are fantastically PC
So don′t make a mess or even take the pee
Please ask Percy and Nancy to behave and
Don't wash ′em after in my sink
Please ask Percy and Nancy to behave
Don't forget that you′re on CCTV