Side Effects Songtext
von Craig Shoemaker

I′m glad my mom came out to visit, you know
I think we need family connection with your children, you know
Instead of videos, people plop their kids in front of videos
First thing my oldest son saw was a Teletubby, imagine that

It's gonna teach your kid I gotta drop a
Tab of acid to understand these fur holes
It′s always puppets teaching kids
Sesame Street's no better
I said to my son Jared, I go
"Jared, do you know how to count yet?"
He goes, "Sure I do, one, two, three
You can count like me, ha ha ha"

I'm so happy my oldest son is over the puppet stage
Yeah, he′s twelve years old now
Yeah, he′s in middle school
But he's a little too hip though
He wants to be a comedian, I don′t know where he got that from
But he tells these racy jokes that I don't want to approve of
′Cause I know they're gonna end up in his mother′s court papers


One time I'm eating breakfast
I'm trying not to laugh at the guy
I′m having cereal
And he comes up to me, he goes
"Hey Dad, I just wrote a new joke"
I go, "Yeah, what is it, Justin?"
He goes, "How come Justin Bieber doesn′t shop at Sports Authority?
'Cause he likes dicks"

I′m doing my best to hold it in, the kid's a genius
He got the biggest laugh of my show

My son Justin, man

You can′t shield kids from anything anyway
Am I right about this?
I mean, anything on television
Anything innocent, it doesn't matter

I was having a bonding moment
You have to understand, I didn′t have a dad
I have these bonding moments with my sons
The other day we're on the couch, father and son, watching sports
And a commercial comes on
"Do you have erectile dysfunction?"
He turns to me, he goes, "Do you, Dad?"
That was the end of that Hallmark moment
I have to explain to my sons why Bob is smiling


They have all these boner pills out
Levitra, Cialis, Viagra
And how about the side effects?
The side effects, it takes up half the commercial
You're trying to follow along
"Could cause itching, swelling, loss of
Hearing, vomiting, diarrhea, pneumonia"
Whoa, slow down
Loss of hearing?

Is it really worth the risk?
One night of good sex, you can′t hear anymore?
She′s yelling your name, you're going, "Huh? Who?"

And I′m sorry, look
You could have the woody of all time
It's not gonna matter if you have the runs

Little change-o plan-o, cowboy

Imagine that night you pop the big blue pill
You′re, "Hey baby, check that out
You can hang your coat on that sucker
You get ready for four hours with the king
Four hours, hold on, hold on

Oh, the king's gotta go find a throne
We have a little issue going on here
I had to read a part about the anal leakage
What the hell just happened to me?
Oh, still got the cat post
But my sphincter is twitching like a bunny′s nose
I do Kegel exercises, whoa boy
I'll be on the toilet for a little while
You stay naked and ready in there
Still got three and a half hours left on the meter

I'm as hard as Final Jeopardy, that′s right, baby
Got the big wood coming back strong
Oh my God, I′m pissing in my face
Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me
She's naked in there and now I′m pissing on myself

This wasn't on the bottle

I′m coming back, I'm tucking in

Ow, now you′re a broken dick motherfucker"

Especially adults now
I can't believe what adults say in front of children
I took my son, you know, we're Phillies fans
And we went to the World Series in ′08
I take him back to Philadelphia
And we′re playing the Yankees
You wouldn't believe the chants they do in front of
He′s ten years old at the time

They pick like a New Yorker
And like two hundred people are going
"Everybody, you suck cock, you suck cock"

My son's sitting there going, "What are they saying, Dad?"

"I′m not sure"

And he says, "I think they're saying you smoke pot"
"That′s exactly what they're saying

Those New Yorkers are stoners, Justin

Just like your great-grandmother"

That's a true story

Oh, my grandmother loved the weed
You haven′t lived ′til you've seen your
Granny hoeing weed in your backyard
"Oh, we got a bumper crop over here
I′m as high as five people right now
Good to see all my grandchildren"
"Well, it's just me, Nana"
"I′m wasted
Let's spark one up, let me give you a shotgun"

She′s got these big granny lips
She can whisper in her own ear
That's a true story

Some grandmothers have sore joints, mine smokes 'em