Love Songtext
von Christopher Titus

But in that moment, I got one of those pure truths of this life. You
Gotta abuse your kids a little bit. Not a lot, I don′t want anybody
Ending up on Nancy Grace next week. "Comedian said drive 'em into
The lake, so I did it." I don′t want that. That's not what I'm

Looking for. But in today′s world, with what′s going on, you gotta

Suck a little trust out of 'em, a little love. ′Cause they think
It's money and donuts right now. Money, donuts, and video games
That′s what they think. And they're not gonna survive. You′re
Gonna be dead one day, and they're not gonna survive. You know
You gotta get, when they're getting about this tall, I want
You to keep your elbows up around the house. You know? Right
About head level, you know? It′s not abuse if it′s an accident
You know why? 'Cause they need to get that move down, you know?
That, you know, that, "Oh, hey, almost got me on that one
Didn′t you, Mom?" "Oh, Dad, nuh-uh, uh-uh. I'm 11 now, I got you."


If you don′t keep your elbows up around your house, and pop your kids
Every once in a while, on accident, and they don't get that head move
Down, when they′re 16 years old, they're gonna cross the street and
Get killed by a bus mirror. It's gonna be your fault. But you gotta
Make it look like an accident. Because, if you don′t, they′re gonna
Call the cops. Oh yeah, that, they know now. They know, the kids
Know. Your kids know. Your kids, all your kids know. If you
Something happens to you, discipline your kids, I'm calling the cops

I′m gonna tell you a little story, and I've never told this story

I′ve told it maybe twice. I have a nephew. My nephew is 17 now. Now

When my nephew was born, his mother was a drug addict, and his father

Was a drug addict. So her mother actually took this kid and adopted

Him. By the way, my aunt's husband is a Navy SEAL. They raised this

Kid like nobody was ever raised. My God, this kid be, he was a

Freaking, you know, he Eagle Scout, and he, they put him in Chinese

Class, and he had piano lessons, and I fucking hated him. ′Cause I

Didn't have that. But you know what? The kid became the quarterback

On his football team from the time he was peewee to high school

And I, and I actually don't get to love him. And they raised this

Kid, this kid is a, this kid is a golden shining light. And now he′s

17 Years old. And he actually, I get a text from my aunt, and she

Said, "Scotty called me an asshole." And this is a woman who′s an RN

Nurse who saves people's lives. And I was like, "What did Uncle

Dennis do?" ′Cause Uncle Dennis is a Navy SEAL. And I was like, "

Do I need to give you an alibi? I mean, do we, do we need to go on


Vacation? What do we need to do?" And he goes, "You know, Uncle
Dennis got in his face, and said, 'I′m gonna beat your ass.'"
And the kid turned on my uncle, and he said, "If you do
I can′t wait to hear the click of the handcuffs on your wrist
When the cops arrest you." And I start, I'm driving, I start
Shaking. I'm like, "I gotta call you back." And I started texting
Scotty. I said, "Listen up, you little prick. I′m driving up
There right now, and when I get there, guess what′s gonna happen?
You and I are gonna duke. You know why? 'Cause I need a career
Bump, and I hope to God TMZ picks this up when I beat your ass."

I know it′s kind of harsh, but they're, they′re going the wrong way
Man. They know, your kids know. Your kids know if they show up to
School with a mark on 'em, a bump on their head, like a
Shoe print on their forehead. School′s coming after you
"What'd you do to your kid? What'd you do to your kid?"
And no matter what you say to the school, you sound like
A mob guy. "He fell. I didn′t see nothing. Can I go now?"

And we′ve flipped in ten years. The other, I think it needs to be the
Other way. I think if your child shows up to school for three months
Without a mark on him and no anxiety, I think this principal needs
To walk right up to your kid and be concerned that you're not being
An involved parent. Just walk up, "Daniel, come here." "Ahh!" "Wow
You didn′t even flinch. You tell your mom and dad I want to see them
In my office on Monday. Hey, Vincent, nice limp. You tell your dad
Good job. Vincent's parents love him
Vincent′s gonna be valedictorian."

'Cause this country that you′re sitting in right now was not built on

Love, hugs, timeouts, and trophies you didn't earn. This country's

Built on shame, humiliation, and striving to be better. We got kicked

Out of another country. They said, "You guys can′t live here, you′re
Not good enough." So we came here and we stuffed it up their ass
That's what happened. And by the way, if you′re in this room right
Now, and you're successful, and anybody in Aspen, Colorado is
Successful, you didn′t get there because someone loved you
Too much, or gave you too many hugs, or you got a trophy
Where you lost. You did it because at one point in your life
Somebody turned to you and said, "You're a loser." And in
That second, you decided to bust your ass to make them
Choke on that sentence. Or your parents gave you the money

But you don′t think Steve Jobs, the president of Apple, doesn't
Have daddy issues? This is a guy who invented something that
Had never been seen before. He was a teenager in his garage
His dad must have been freaking out. "What the hell are you
Doing? What are all these wires? What is, what is the clickety-
Clack? What are you doing? What is that thing you're working
On? Who′s this Wozniak kid? Are you gay? What′s going on?"

"I'm gonna make so much money, you′re gonna disappear."

Yeah, anybody ever heard of Steve Jobs' dad? He got deleted

Our country was built on striving to be better. Strive, pain
Humiliation. You know, just showing people that we could do it. And
If you′re in here tonight, and you actually believe that every child
Needs love, and hugs, and, and, just, here's some, get more food
Feed him more, so he gets really, he′s, it's okay
We'll get him some Ritalin, and it′ll be good. If you
Believe that, frankly, you′re a communist, and I want
You to take your chocolate, and you go back to Sweden!

I'm not sure on that last joke. I went to a California
Public school. I think you get the gist, though