Masturbation Songtext
von Bobby Gaylor

Masturbation. Strikes fear in the heart of people, doesn′t it?
We all do it yet nobody wants to talk about it
Why are generations afraid to pass that down that it feels good?
There's nothing wrong with it, we all
Do it, why can′t we just admit it?
Then it wouldn't be a problem anymore, would it?

Now if we approached it like that, parents could pass down
The secret of what to do and what not to do to their children
'Cause kids are gonna do it anyway
They did it when they were kids, why don′t they remember that?
You know, then kids wouldn′t have to feel guilty and do it under
Their covers so their dead relatives can't watch them jerking off

You ever have a headache?
Jerking off totally takes it away
Headache, jerk off, no more headache, you don′t need aspirin
Maybe instead of a lunch break we take a masturbation break
Everybody'd get along better
You′d come back from your half hour lunch
Feeling so damn good it wouldn't be funny


Now, I don′t think if God didn't want us to masturbate
He wouldn't have made it feel so good, you know
And a lot of people say "Well, God didn′t come up with it"
Well, he′s a man, and all men masturbate
So I gotta really believe that the almighty
Supreme being was the first one to do it

People say "God didn't come up with masturbation, the Devil did"
Now see, I don′t believe that because the Devil is what? The Devil
He's devilish, he does devilish shit
Do you think he would let masturbation feel so good? No
He might let the stimulation part feel good but
Then he′d have some kind of catch to it, you know
Like alien blood-like acid's gonna shoot out, burn a hole in the floor
So your parents, while watching TV
Will know what you′re doing up there

And girls, first time you're in the shower
And the water hits that special spot
Next thing you know you're humping towels on the bathroom floor
While your sisters are outside the door going "
What are you doing? Hurry up in there!"


In the Bible it says "Don′t spill the seed"
I think that was an afterthought from God
Right after he created masturbation he realized how good it felt
He had to put in some kind of parameter for humankind
Knowing that they′re not gonna do what they're told
I think orgasms are as close to God as you can get
Because when you cum, you′re creating

'Cause I think the Devil would go all out
I mean, I think it would even go more
Like fire′s gonna shoot out of your dick
You're gonna burn your room down
Or better yet, here′s the catch
Your soul is gonna come out
So you're gonna get to do it one time with a soul
Then for the rest of your life, every time
You masturbate, you're not gonna have a soul
And you know what that means, don′t you?

See you in Hell

So make it a point to masturbate more often
Feel good about your life
Nothing wrong with it
And don′t spill the seed on your mom's carpet, she′ll be pissed