Driving Instructor Songtext
von Bob Newhart

As I said, there was a thing in the paper tonight about documentaries
And I′ve had an idea for a long time for what I think is a wonderful
Documentary which has everything. For instance, you go to work
You come home at night, and you never really think about it. It's
Mechanical, it′s routine. But there are a group of men who, every
Day when they go to work, never know if that night they'll return
Because they face death in a hundred different ways. And I'm talking
About America′s driving instructors. And I′d like to present the
First episode in the new TV series called "The Driving Instructor."
Now, I'd like to have you picture, if you would, this is a car
I′m the driving instructor, and seated next to me is a woman
Driver. How do you do? You're Mrs. Webb, is that right? Oh
I see you′ve had one lesson already. Who was the instructor on
That, Mrs. Webb? Mr. Adam? I'm sorry, here it is. Mr. Adams
Just let me read ahead and kind of familiarize myself with the
Case. How fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car?
Seventy-five? And where was that? In your driveway. How far had Mr
Adams gotten in the lesson? Backing out. I see, you were backing
Out at seventy-five, and that′s when he jumped. Did he cover starting
The car? And the other way of stopping. What's the other way of


Stopping? Throwing it in reverse, that's it. Oh, that would do it
You′re right, that would do it. All right, you want to start the car?
Mrs. Webb, you just turned on the lights. You want to start the car?
They all look alike, don′t they? I don't know why they design
Them that way. All right, let′s pull out into traffic. Now
What's the first thing we′re going to do before we pull out into
Traffic? What did Mr. Adams do before he let you pull out into
Traffic? Well, I mean besides praying, let's say. No, what I
Had in mind was checking the rearview mirror. You see, we always
Want to check the rear... Don′t pull out! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Please don't cry, I'm sorry. But there was this bus, Mrs. Webb. All
Right, the lane is clear now. You want to pull out? Oh, now that
Wasn′t bad at all. You might try it a little slower next time. All
Right, let′s get up a bit more speed and gradually ease it into
Second. Well, I didn't want to cover reverse this early, but as long
As you′ve shifted into it. Of course you're nervous. I′m nervous
I'm not just saying that, I′m really very nervous. Well
Just don't pay any attention to their honking, you're doing
Fine. You′re not blocking anyone′s lane. No, as long as
You're here on the safety island, you′re not blocking anyone's
Lane. All right, you want to start the car? While you′re
Turning the lights off, why don't you turn off the heater?
All right, there we are. Let′s get up a bit of speed, that's the way
Now, let's practice some turns. The important thing on turns is not
To make them too sharp, just kind of make a gradual... Oh, now that
Was fine. That was a wonderful turn. It′s hard for me to believe you
Only had two lessons after you make a turn like... Are you sure you
Haven′t had more now? I find that very difficult to believe. One
Little thing, this is a one-way street. Well, no, actually it was
Partially my fault, you see. But you were in the left-hand lane and
You were signaling left, and I just more or less assumed you were
Going to turn left. Same to you, fella. No, I don't know what he
Said, Mrs. Webb. All right, let′s pull into the alley up there and
Practice a little alley driving. This is something a lot of the
Schools leave out that we think is pretty... You're going too fast
Mrs. Webb! You were up around sixty and it′s kind of a sharp turn
There. All right, just drive down the alley, that's the way. Mrs
Webb, maybe we′d better stop here. Well, I don't think you're going
To make it between the truck and the building. Mrs. Webb? Mrs. Webb
I don′t think you′re going to... Mrs. Webb! I really didn't think
You were going to make it. That just shows you we can be wrong, too
No, no, I′ll get out on your side, that's all right. Mrs. Webb
Maybe it might be a good idea if we went over to the driving area
They have a student driver area over a few blocks away, and maybe
Traffic throws you. Maybe that′s the problem. Well, turn here on the
Street, right, and it's only about a block up. All right, turn right
Here. Well, now, that was my fault again. You see, I meant the next
Street. Not this man′s lawn. Sir? Sir? Sir, would you mind turning
Off the sprinkler, please? Newly seated, is that right? That's always
A way, isn't it? Well, I don′t suppose it is so funny. All right
Mrs. Webb, you want to back out and get off the man′s... Creeping
Bent, is that right? Yeah, just back out, Mrs. Webb. Thank you very
Much, sir, for... Oh, now we hit someone, Mrs. Webb. Remember, you're
Going to watch the rearview mirror. Remember, we covered that. The
Red light blinded you. The flashing red light blinded you? The
Flashing red light on the car you hit blinded you. Yes, officer
She was just telling me about it. All right, all right. Mrs
Webb, I′m going to have to go with the officer to the police
Station. They don't believe it, and they′d like me to describe
It. Now, the other officer is going to get in the car, and
He's going to drive you back to the driving school, and then
You′re to meet us at the police station. My name is Frank Dexter
Why do you ask? You want to be sure and get me next time?