Maury Songtext
von Amy Schumer

I think that that would be the best ever
Maury Povich baby daddy show
Don′t you?
Can you imagine how amazing that would be?
I think he can do it
He's got the power

Like half the crowd would be priests, half rabbis
And the panel is Jesus, Mary, and Joseph
And Maury comes out, and he′s like
In the case of Jesus Christ
God is not the Father!

And all the Jews are like, ah
We knew it!
And the priests are like, "Boo! Boo-hoo!"
And Joseph's like, you whore!
And Mary's like, ooh!
She′s like, I didn′t know what to tell you!


That's pretty elaborate, bitch
She′s gonna rape something unforgettable
I don't know, oh, man

Oh, God damn it
I love that show
Don′t you guys love that fucking show?
I love reality shows
They make me feel so much better about myself

But I miss out
I miss out on so many great reality shows
'Cause the titles throw me off
Like, my friends are all obsessed with that show
"The deadliest catch"

But I never watched it
′Cause I just assumed it was about AIDS
It's about crabs, nah
Not AIDS
Not about AIDS
Oh, God


That reminds me, my good friend Kristen, her cat just died
I feel like when we were younger
If your pet died, it meant it got hit by a car
Something normal
But now they're dying of all these like

Sophisticated diseases
Right? So I call her and I was like
Chris, I′m so sorry, I heard about
You know, Al Roker, her cat′s name
I was like, what happened, car?
She was like, AIDS
I was like, I didn't even know your cat was gay

Like what?
Jokes!
Um